Melt Down

DAY 20

How is one meant to act 20 days after fracturing their C6 & C7 in their neck and breaking their T1 rib?  You'd think by now someone would have written a step by step manual about it but they haven't.  A little disappointing.  About the only advice FB has offered was something I saw on a running site and it read like this 'when you feel like stabbing you partner, go for an angry run instead', so my question is, what does one do when they feel this way but can't run? (Tongue in cheek of course).

I'm exhausted.  I finally cracked.  Broke down and left myself vulnerable.  I think all the frustration, hurt, pain (physical and emotional) just came flooding out on the floor.  The realisation that the brace isn't coming off for at least another 3 weeks (I know in the scheme of things it's actually not a big deal) but it feels like the end of the world when your tired, uncomfortable and dizzy a majority of the time.

My family has finally got it.  The kids more so than Adam I think because his pressured at work and he has to manage his type 1 diabetes which means he must monitor his stress or he will get sick..  He doesn't get a break from that either.  He could spend all day every day crying but the realisation that it won't change anything prevents him from even shedding one tear.  Not ever.  Not even one.

They all dragged themselves out of bed (believe me this was huge for a 16 & 17 year old on holidays from school and came to parkrun to support LRC, the club I run with.  Obviously I still can't run so I volunteered again and was put on tokens.  It's a good job because you get to cheer everyone over the finish line and congratulate them on a great run (assuming they all are of course) and it did make me feel like a million bucks that they would do that to support me.  Loved it and definately helped lift my moods first thing.

By the time we hit home it just came flooding out.  Still doesn't want to stop but I can't cry because it makes me feel dizzy.  Everyone will be watching the big game today.  I hope Richmond win for Adam but I think I need a rest.

Perhaps a little walk after a nap.

Certifiably Mad
Donna
Xo

A Blog about Blogging

 

BLOGS

For two years now people that know me have tried to get me to start my own Blog.  I've often written little run pieces on my private Facebook Page about my attempt at being an amazing runner and athlete and I have also been part of a community page where I train.  I would often put little blubs up or some silly caption or piece of writing regarding our training sessions and how crazy we all are in an attempt to bring people together more and so they would feel more comfortable around me.  At least more comfortable around me that what I am.  If I am to be completely honest it was also to hide a terrible secret. 

I don't cope well in groups, large or small and I never have. The PTSD has made the likelihood of overcoming this quickly an impossible task.  I cry a lot (even in small group training) so rather than run like I usually would I took to writing on the page (around 40 people) and became a little more confident the more people responded.

I got to the point almost everyone was saying the same thing.  You have a true talent for writing wether its writing about your exercise misadventures, a project, your kids, an event you took part in you truly have a gift that you need to share with the rest of the world.  Not sure that they realise I left school at 14.  Wasn't even legally allowed back then, so it was put on my school record as taking a 3 month break and to return at the beginning of year 10,but of course I never returned.

My daily blog will include a lot about running as it is such a big part of my life, it will include the crazy people I meet along the way and all the crazy adventures, but will also include everyday stuff as it come up.

My Ironman Facebook page and blog is just that.  Starting from my rehab in 3 weeks it will be only about my personal journey to compete in a half ironman in November and all the trials and tribulations along the way.  The early morning pool sessions, the late evening runs.  (all being well and assuming I don't go and have another spectacular accident of course).

So, my blogging for fun has taken off so much I have had to separate my private Facebook page from two newly created ones called:

Donna Daily Dose

Rehab To Ironman

My blogs will be posted each day to these FB pages (they are public) so please if you enjoy reading my stuff jump on and follow me that way I wont have to keep harassing these poor sites to get followers, although I am forever grateful and will mention their FB pages to my Blog followers at least once per week.

Sorry for this boring blog post but I needed to clear up where to send you all as it has changed.

My Donnashurdles.blogspot.com is still the same and I will post the Ironman one on Donna's Daily Dose FB page and Rehab to Ironman FB page once it finalised.  A good start is to jump on and follow the two FB pages that way I can easily keep you all up to date.

Until tomorrow

Donna  xo



To seek understanding

Day 18

I didn't feel done with my previous blog.  Didn't say half of what I wanted to so I'm going to say it now cause I sure as hell ain't holding the peace.  I'm trying to be patient with people.  I'm trying to empathise with my family but I'm really struggling today.  I just don't get how they don't understand.  Isn't it really clear? Can't everyone see it?  Shouldn't even the most self centred person get it at least to a certain extent?  Perhaps I have expectations that are just far too high on everybody and I need to step into their shoes a little more.  Understand that a lot of what they are doing now and choices they are making are of my own creation.  I know your thinking that doesn't make any sense.  Your even thinking perhaps that hit on the head was a lot harder than originally thought?  Let me start by telling you it was bloody hard enough, any harder and i reakon I'd have actually physically lost my head.

No, what I mean is (I'll explain it as best as I can) I'm not sure they get the pain I'm actually in.  I laugh and try and be brave but I broke my bloody neck.  I haven't sat down for 3 days.  As soon as I try and sit down someone needs or wants something.  Not sure if I feel guilty for being so sick but I try and compensate by making nice breakfasts like pancakes & granola, yoghurt & fresh fruit.  Lentil, chickpea & veggie curry for lunch & fresh fruit salad for supper.  Cakes galore.  I've never baked so many cakes in my life.  Caramel frosted ones, chocolate, vanilla, Oreo & maltesers topped cup cakes, you name it I've baked it.  Hosted my son's 16 and fully catered for it,  shopping, cleaning you name it I've done it.  Everything except drive.  Now my partner wants to return to work full time on Sunday. 😡 Do you think you should ask me first? Ummm....That's right I forgot I'm super woman.  Anyone that can cook cup cakes that good can probably do anything.  My Palindromic Arthritis has run rampant with the stress my body is under too.  Just more severe pain to deal with.  It's ok though, as long as I don't touch anything, don't lay down, don't breathe too deep and I'm fine..  Sure, no problem I can do everything, remember I'm super woman it's easy for me because everything comes easy.  And I'm lucky.  I don't show pain so that makes me one of the lucky ones isn't that right?

Tonight, before I headed out to run club to watch my fellow runners & catch some much needed fresh air I just lost it.  I'd had enough.  I need caring for too.  I need a hug & kiss, maybe a foot rub or even just to hold my hand once in a while.  Tell me everything going to be ok even with the PTSD.  I think they've forgotten I'm human.  They too have been riding the rollercoaster of PTSD as onlookers for too long.  It's sucked them in too.  They don't believe I have feelings or feel pain like everyone else.  See, I do, I just hold it in.  I had lots of practice at it so I became an expert.  Now I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until someone hears me.

I need sleep, lots of it.  All night, perhaps maybe all day tomorrow.  Honestly, 3 hours straight would be phenominal.  Sleep, that's what I need.  Sleep...........please don't wake me......

Donna
Xo

Hospital Appointment

Day 18

Get to the hospital (Tuesdays appointment was for surgery, not even the right clinic 🤣🤣 so that was cancelled) and I'm here in the green waiting room with about 40 other people.  I can see broken arms in plaster, legs in crutches, others who look normal (if there even is such a thing) but I'm the only one with a neck brace on.  Hopefully they feel really sorry for me and agree to take the damn thing off!  I've really had enough it's giving me the shits, can't shower properly, can't sleep.....I can hear those that know me well sitting there saying and?  What's new?  You weren't showering or sleeping before the accident anyway?  Sad but true my friends, I wasn't doing much of anything then either with the PTSD really taking hold of me.

I'm thinking I may even have to pull the tears trick.  Although I'll probably start laughing.  See, I'm the sort of person that can't force my emotions.  They just flood out whenever they feel like it.  They don't even care where I am or who I'm with.  I reakon it would be awsome to have good control over your emotions, weird but pretty cool at the same time.  I'm working on all these things in therapy.  I'm a little scared to tell the surgeon about the numbness.  I don't want it to take longer to get the brace off.  Surely if I tell them they'll make me leave it on.  Adam wants to come in.  I reackon he wants to make sure I let them know.  I'm figuring his hoping they admit me back in so he can have a rest from me.......I want a break from me too.  Perhaps I should ask them.'

So The Dr in the green Rm 3 calls me in & pulls up my CT & MRI scans.  I politely ask if I may have a look as I don't think it's that bad and I would really like to see where the neck is supposedly broken.  Sure he says as he flicks through the images on the screen.  The C6 was obviously broken but I I'm still not sure what all the fuss is about quite frankly.  He say's "oh look there's the C7", ewww.... I say "where is the rest of the bone", "that's only half of it".  Yes he say's, it's a clean break straight through which is good.  There's the rest over there? WTF?!?!.  GOOD! Are you f%^*+=^ MAD! I'm missing half my bone???

Pulls up the rib, at least the bones were all still actually there but the break was right through.  Nasty looking bastard it is.

I actually can't talk much I'm really in shock and deverstated that this hideous thing has to stay on my head another 3 weeks at least.  That means right up til my Birthday.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Today I just want to crawl into bed and stay there for 21 days.......

Donna Xo

The struggle is real

Day 17

I'm so pissed at myself right now.  I promised myself under no circumstances until I am cleared to exercise properly (what i mean by that is some strength work, swim sessions, maybe a spin class here and there) would I even think about my weight.  I certainly wasn't going to weigh myself.  I know I've put on heaps and I'm now back to my starting weight 2 years ago.  It's not the accident either (although that's now making it impossible to drop it easily), it was the damn PTSD for months on end wearing me down to the point I just gave up the fight.

I just had nothing left.  I had reverted back to my old coping mechanisms and that was to shut off.  I stopped getting out of the car at school to chat to mums waiting to get their kids, I could barely string 2 words together.  I stopped my Personal Training once a week, made every excuse why I couldn't attend any of the fitness classes even though I knew by not attending I would spiral down even quicker and end up worse off I continued to justify my poor choices.  It's hard to find people who truly understand though, cause they just don't.  They try to, but can't ever really know just how bad PTSD can get a hold of you.

The fear is crippling.  Then if you suffer from disassociation it's even more frightening because you absolutely have no control whatsoever from it.  None.  You can be feeling really good, having a good day and it hits you.  You can't put your finger on what's happening, you have lapses in memory.  No-one would choose to live like that it can even be dangerous, hence why I believe I stopped going out of the house much.  I didn't like that feeling of not being fully in control.

So what on earth am I going to do about my weight, it's not like I don't know where to start, I've been studying nutrition for 6 months now.  I've hit my ideal weight before and found my comfortable training load where I can push but still feel comfortable I think that was around 12 months ago when I truly peaked.  I must admit it's been a while since I've been there, but I remember clearly the feeling within myself and my body.

I'm starting to wean off the pain medication as of today and I'll start a very simple and easy program for myself next week to see if I can hopefully get back on the right track.  Almost all the superficial wounds are healed now it's just the internal injuries and most importantly my mind (healing from PTSD).



Madder than ever

Donna Xo

Living with a type 1 Diabetic

Day 16

Your probably wondering what prompted me to want to write about something that doesn't really have anything directly to do with me?  Honestly, the truth is I didn't even think of it.  It was my Partner of 25 years, Adam, who asked if I would write this blog so his daily fight isn't lost in amongst my at times quite selfish topic of ME ME ME!  I haven't slept much as all the things I want to say have been going round and round in my head and coming at me so quickly its all getting jumbled.  Its easier to just get up (its now 4.15am) and start typing on the computer rather than lay there any longer where it will become so jumbled it ends up lost in amongst all the other noise in my head.

So, I mentioned yesterday I had therapy and that it went well and I am really glad I am sticking with it and making the effort to continue on with it long term regardless of how hard it gets or how much my therapist challenges me  (you can see a general theme here of ME, ME & ME can't you?).  When I came out of session I was waving Adam in as he had to fix up the bill but he sent my eldest daughter (18 next birthday, yes I know that's another whole 300 blogs right there!) to pay which I thought was a little strange.  She looked uncomfortable then preceded to tell me that Dad was running on a low and was currently at 3.1 and for the first time EVER he forgot to put his jelly beans in his pocket and hadn't yet replaced the ones in the glove box of the car. 

A type 1 diabetics emergency friend tends to be jelly beans (well Adams is anyway)  My partner keeps one or two sets of 6 on him at all times in his pocket, one in the kitchen, one in the lounge room, one in each of the glove box in the cars, one on his bedside table, one in his lunch bag for work, one in his dinner bag, one in his nightshift bag and one in his locker.  He must remember to replace them when his used them in an emergency on a low (which is a lot easier said than done when you feel confused and sick) or the next time he will be stuck with no emergency exit from his low and this could be disastrous.

Which is what happened yesterday.  When Leah told me he didn't have any beans on him I asked my therapist if she could get me something sweet like an orange juice.  She didn't really have much, none of her colleagues had any sugar lollies, I must admit I could feel my heart rate increasing and I was starting to worry.  After scurrying around for a bit out of sheer desperation she put a teaspoon of sugar in a glass and we took off to the car armed with her tub of strawberries.  This did the trick enough for us to head to the nearest shop to get some juice to ensure his levels were ok to get us home as naturally with my neck in a brace with fractures I also, am unable to drive, I can't even have my 17 year old put on her L plates and drive as I am unable to assist her with no neck movement allowed.

In amongst my own daily challenges and obstacles with battling the symptoms of PTSD, arthritis and now my physical injuries I've tended to forget Adams daily struggles and how hard it is for him to manage his type 1 diabetes and all the daily challenges that comes with being insulin dependant and in such a high stress physical job that involves constant rotating shift work, dealing with a partner he once truly loved with all his heart now battling PTSD most days and on bad flare days struggling to do simple daily tasks after a bad palindromic flare and now physical injuries after a bad cycling accident.

It's now 5.57am and his just got up.  I can hear the rattle of the bag in the kitchen and him counting out beans.  His woken from a deep sleep on a low and there is nothing I can do to help him.  He just chews away at his beans and shortly i'll hear him scurry, heavy footed from being overtired, back down the hall back to bed to get some more rest.  He has always loved his sleep and has never had trouble getting plenty of it but now its very much a case of needing it to stay well.  If he only manages 6 or so hours we all know to steer clear of him for the day as his very short tempered and has been the hardest thing for the kids to deal with.  He was always an extremely patient man (he must have been to stay with me for 25 years without going mad himself) very even tempered and never quick to anger but the diabetes has taken that away from him.  He can't always control his emotions, similar to me with the PTSD, its like a rollercoaster and your bodies fighting against itself.

He wakes sometimes especially if his had a hard training day at work in severe leg cramps.  Never complains but I can tell his in agony.  Again, there is little I can do, often with my wrists and hands swollen and sore to move from my Palindromic Arthritis I cant even offer to massage them for him.  Its so frustrating.  He has finally found something that has made his quality of life a lot better and his ability to work in a high stress, physically and emotionally demanding job that often leaves him on the road more manageable being dependant on insulin to keep him alive. He was told to trial a new sensor that enables him to eliminate all the manual finger pricking and see what he thought.

He did and he hasn't looked back, it has been life changing.  Not only for him but for myself and my three children as he is almost back to the Adam we knew.  Through being able to monitor his blood sugar levels, he is better able to mange his job, his moods, his diet and exercise to keep himself well and healthy after the first year taking its toll. The biggest thing with Type 1 is managing his stress.  Living with someone with untreated PTSD is highly stressful and although he doesn't want me to say what he does for a living I can tell you ironically he works for the government.  See, they don't even look after their own.  What do I mean by that?  They pay just above minimum wage and to earn extra money they rely heavily on constantly changing shifts and penalties, again something that makes symptoms of PTSD hard to manage. 

He has finally found something that makes his life just that little more comfortable and easier to manage.  I can imagine your reading this thinking this is fantastic, why are you sounding so negative and why are you bothering to write this blog if he can manage it better, you and the kids are happier so what's all the fuss about?  It costs.  It costs a lot for a family of 5 on 1 average income.  The sensor that helps ensure his daily life is more comfortable and he has one less stress on his plate costs him currently $92.00 per fortnight on top of all his other medication that isn't currently covered by the PBS, even Magnesium tablets that ensure his daily cramps are manageable are costly.  Add that onto my daily arthritis medications, the cost of therapy to manage my PTSD because I do not qualify for proper in hospital treatment for 6 weeks as an inpatient, as a family to stay alive and well we currently fork out well in excess of $200 per week.

To have the FreeStyle Libre Blood Glucose Sensor free would be life changing for our family, so I challenge the government in this lucky country we live in (yet we are denied basic life saving equipment) to put this on the PBS and make living with type 1 diabetes just a little more manageable.

Anyone who is thinking if your on 1 income why don't you get a job?  Ironically I spent 12 months applying for a job within the government but was knocked back due to my mental health status (ie PTSD) despite being more than capable to do the roll and it would have made the financial burden on the family more manageable. Since being knocked back I have followed my passion of nutrition and have been studying and also following my passion of running, becoming qualified to coach and support others with a passion to learn for fun and fitness.

So, to my most amazing partner and best friend in the entire world, this one is for you honey.  I love you to the moon and back and because you have stood by my side through everything this is the least I can do in return.  xoxo

Today I am grateful my arms work so I can write this blog.

A Thank You to my readers

Day 15

As those following my blog already know yesterday was a shocking day, but I must say I am feeling a lot better today.  Next to no sleep (2 hours in total), but just so much better within myself.  A wonderful woman named Mara from a local running club (who I only officially ran with once and met a couple other times to say a quick hello to and chat in club runs) came and picked me up with a beautiful gift of lots of fresh fruit and nuts and then took me out to walk around a little and enjoy a nice coffee and chat at a local shopping centre.  We shared a few stories, she's had a hell of a ride also, and just enjoyed each others company.  We parted ways with the promise to each other to do it again.

I wont go into too much detail as I'm sure it will come up in future blogs of mine over the coming months but I had an appointment with a lawyer regarding my accident (more to do with a poorly positioned rock on a designated bike path) as I had asked the local council who had planned, designed and constructed the path if they would be prepared to replace my new racer (or at the very least fix it for me) and replace my cracked helmet so that once I am better I will be able to return to training and it will help with my recovery.  They refused and proceeded to inform me that the accident was my fault as I was going to fast and lost control.  Yes I was moving at a reasonable pace and yes an accident is that just an accident and of course I wish it hadn't of happened.  Originally I had only called them incase a young child came off their bike in the same manner and may have ended up with similar injuries.  I would never have forgiven myself if I didn't report it and I saw on the news someone was hurt or killed at the same location, but while I was on the phone I mentioned my bike, clothes (that were brand clothes cut off me at trauma emergency) and my helmet to see if they would help me fix or replace them and the answer was pretty clear.  Under no circumstance will they admit to the fact that had the rock not been there I wouldn't have the severe injuries I have, and if they were going to give anything (even $100.00) they would make it difficult.

So purely out of a sense of what's right and what's wrong I sought legal advice and I intend on taking it further.  I will get my bike fixed regardless, this is something that is just too important too me, more important than the medical costs, the rehabilitation costs, the cost to replace brand clothing, lost penalties, lost partner wages.  Its my bike, I want it fixed so I can ride again and I feel I deserve to have it fixed.  I don't believe I should be punished for something that wasn't my fault and I don't feel I should be disadvantaged because of a poorly placed large rock pool that had it not been there I wouldn't have the significant ongoing injuries I have.  I hope that they wish they had just agreed to replace my bike.  That's all I wanted.

This afternoon I had my therapy session and it was tough and I feel absolutely exhausted to the point I feel like I am going to be sick.  I am still very happy that I went and I am very happy that I am doing well so far.

BUT...... I'm getting completely off track now as I wanted this blog to thank everyone for their support, through visiting me, dropping a gift off of food or goodies in person, giving flowers to my children to pass on, a hug, a note, a text, a message via FB, a message on this blog or just by reading this blog, given the amount of views I have had I assume I have a lot of people reading my blog and I have to say I am overwhelmed at the amount of support I am receiving from all over the world.
I haven't always got around to answering all of them personally but I can assure you I do read every one of them when I am feeling well enough and do attempt to make contact.  If I haven't responded please feel free to drop me a line and I promise I will get around to responding as soon as I can.

I want to share with you a few message that have really touched me personally and some of you may connect in a similar way:

It is from a Chinese philosopher called Mencius and is translated to:

"if God wants to give someone great responsibility, he will make his/her mind painfully suffered, bones tired, stomach starved, body weakened and behaviour confused.  After being through all the hardships, he\she will gain resilience, strengths and abilities that they never had.


Women who have reached out to me and shared their own personal stories that have touched me like you Rina, Maria and Claudia

A very personal and beautiful piece shared with me by Cindy who really tore at my heart strings.

Darren, your messages of support and all the crazy people at pathetic triathletes group.

The amazing women Running Mums Australia and Run like a Girl Community.

All the athletes at the Ironman Journey.

The wonderful people at Diamond Creek Runners.

My fellow crazies at Lalor Run Club where I am a run leader.

and Last but not least where my journey all began with my family at View to Fitness. xoxo

Today I am grateful for each and everyone of you.

The Enormity Hits Home

Day 14

Why Today?  Is it because my middle son is turning 16 and I realise how close I came to not being here to celebrate his birthday with him? I can't tell you why because I am having trouble understanding it myself.  Is it the fact that I was in so much pain in the beginning and didn't have time to process anything including the amount of pain I was in that its taken me 14 days to start to question everything?

That's the thing with emotional and physical injuries, there is no self-help book to follow, there's no way of knowing if what your experiencing is normal under the circumstances similar to PTSD symptoms, its very hard to sift through and work out what is a normal reaction to very abnormal situations and what is perhaps learned behaviour that is no longer appropriate.  What might be appropriate or normal within the realms of someone's ability to heal may not be for someone else.

I just feel numb today, I should be over the moon, I can still cook which is one of my favourite things to do, I can finish my study once the dizziness completely subsides and I can hug my partner, friends and three beautiful children.  I can walk outside in the fresh air and use the legs I was born with and in the scheme of what could have gone wrong someone was on my side that day and I'm thinking probably still is.

Maybe its the weight gain that's getting me down given that its up to 13kgs now.  Isn't that so vain.  I've certainly never viewed myself as someone who cares only about how they look above anything else.  Perhaps its just the trauma of such a serious accident that could have left me a quadriplegic or a paraplegic or dead, as shocking as it sounds if I hadn't of had my helmet on or even fastened properly I wouldn't be here tonight feeling sorry for myself writing this blog.  That's the harsh reality, I'm just one of the extremely lucky ones.  But here's the thing trauma isn't something that new to me, so really you would think by now id have a much better grip on how to deal with these things but I don't.  And accidents aren't new to my family either.  Without opening old wounds and going into too much detail about the how's and why's my father was hit by a car while walking across the road 8 years ago. 

He suffered horrific injuries as the car that hit him was going at 80kms per hour.  He spent months in a coma and then 6 months in rehabilitation, learning to walk again, use the toilet again once he regained control of his body.  He had numerous operations. I lost count there were that many, he has been put back together however, he still suffers ABI (Acquired Brain Injury).  That cant be cured so life has taken a pretty big turn. I can say that I do believe that accident was meant to happen and only good has come out of it on every front.  I often wonder how the family are going that were driving and in the car that hit him and if I could speak to them I would tell them not to waist one minute feeling bad.  Every aspect of his life since then has been for the better. 

I wish it was simple where I could just ask for my life back before I started suffering from the symptoms of PTSD but the truth is I don't want it back.  I don't want to look back, only forward.  I really want to complete that half ironman I spoke of at the end of 2018.  I go back to the hospital for another MRI and further diagnosis regarding this neck brace, driving, rehabilitation etc.  I am going to request that I stop taking the pain meds. Its hard to study and concentrate and I would like to finish my Cert 1V in Weight Management while I'm pretty housebound and cant drive so that as I heal I will have something to focus on.

I hope this is just a small bump in the road and nothing too major.  I have therapy tomorrow so I will try and process some of the feelings to see if there are things I can do to ensure I move forward a little every day.  I don't want to get stuck again.  I'm really scared too because while I have full movement in my arms and legs I have lost feeling in the top of my left arm which is my writing hand.  I think if someone punched me I wouldn't feel anything.  I hope its not permanent nerve damage.  I know even that isn't that bad in the scheme of things but I feel like I've had my fair share.

I don't need anymore lessons thank you, I'm having enough trouble processing the ones I've been sent to learn from.  While I'd rather not put this next line in, so far I have spoke from the heart, good or bad and I don't want tonight to be any different so.....

Today I am grateful for absolutely nothing.m

Nothing.

Not a damn thing.

The other side of the run P2

Day 14

As promised Paula came and picked me up, I'd managed to make my little one some pancakes for breakfast before I left.  He was very grateful as everyone else was still sound asleep.  Paula was lovely, the conversation flowed so easily, she loves to write like me, she writes short stories both children's and adult books.  She wasn't scary at all. 😊.

I was overwhelmed by the well wishes and the people coming up to me just to let me know they were sorry about what happened, asking me if I'm ok and letting me know they are following my blog and loving it.  Makes me feel so good.  Especially when you want to get well both physically and mentally but being so housebound and restricted can make that healing process seem like forever.

I arrived at Lalor Parkrun greeted by lots of Lalor Running Club members all very concerned and genuinely sorry to have heard about my cycling accident.  I had wanted to volunteer to be tail walker but the general consensus was that was a little premature given I won't see a rock under foot, I was then put on timekeeper, a job that absolutely terrifies me but they were a little worried about me needing to move my head too much in the brace so I was finally put on bar scanning.  Despite being told in detail by the run director exactly what my duties involved within 2 minutes I had completing forgotten which one I was meant to scan first and the panick started to set in!

That's when I met Amelia, a beautiful little 7 year old, well above her years, who offered to assist me with my bar scanning duties and explained that we could work pretty well together as a team.  I embraced her offer, and was watching her intently as she started scanning the first group of runners.  Thankfully I picked it up pretty quickly.  She then proceeded to guide me through the map of the course to ensure I never got lost again, people still talk about my fist attempt at Parkrun where I managed to get lost and run the only ever 7.3km course.  I'm still awaiting my world record certificate.  No-one will ever break it it's something I'll hold forever!  Amelia also went on to explain what the defiblerator was for should we need it and all I could think of was thank Christ this kids here cause if she wasn't things could turn chaotic pretty quickly.

I had some fun and certainly did my fair share of interacting so it was good to get out of my comfort zone.  Far too long I've allowed the CPTSD control what I do (which isn't much) but thanks to meeting someone very special 2 1/2 years ago (a lot more about that relationship to come) I'm finally accepting myself (all of me, both good and bad) and can't wait to show the world what I have to offer.

Thanks to Paula for getting me to & from Parkrun and too Amelia for making my first Parkrun Volunteer duties so special.  Your a special kid just like your mums a special lady. Xo

Love from
Your mad as a hatter blogger
Donna Xo

The other side of the run pt 1

Day 13

It's been a wonderfully weird long day today.  I had therapy this morning, second time this week but I am doing really well under the circumstances and understanding more and more of what's happening to me and why.  I don't think I'll be 'cured' or 'healed' any time soon, if at all but I do think I'm on the right track to some sense of freedom from the grasps of CPTSD.  Pain wasn't too bad this morning and after my breakfast cocktail of painkillers I had just a small headache but other than that I don't feel like I have 3 fractures and am running on almost no sleep.  I'm ready to take on the world.

After therapy my partner drove me home (I really hate sitting in the car with the neck brace, it's uncomfortable and I can feel quite ill and dizzy) and I grabbed something to eat. I had put a feeler out earlier to see if someone could get me to park run in the morning in return I would do their volunteer duties for them if needed.  A lovely lady instantly offered me a lift there and even back home so I very gratefully accepted.  While talking to her I checked for any messages.  I couldn't believe when I was asked if I would be interested in writing a guest blog for a mental health advocacy campaign in Canada purely because they had stumbled across (and even read) my accident blog that I had posted to a triathlon site to see if I could inspire someone with my journey and to see if anyone was going through a similar situation that could possibly help guide me a little.

I'm still in a little shock but feel amazing that I was approached because of my ability to express myself.  Not bad for someone who has struggled so much and even hidden away because of the anxiety associated with crowds (even small ones I avoid).

When I posted my first blog on the accident I remember my lift tomorrow to parkrun commenting that it was well written and a few people had said that was a massive compliment.  I didn't think too much of it at the time but I found out today that she happens to be a writer herself and the Vice President of the society of women's writers Victoria 😮, now I'm really nervous thinking perhaps I should bail?  Not to mention that now I have to volunteer as time keeper.  Look if anyone can stuff up a simple task it's me, I have the amazing ability to make something really simple seem complex and almost impossible.  But hey, I won't move forward sitting on my couch counting the hours by.  It's not productive, not for me or anyone around me.

So, that got me thinking you know, what's on the other side of the run?  I can't fathom the amount of unpaid hour upon hours work from volunteers to make these events happen.  All too often, sportsmen and women including running become complacent and quite self absorbed with our own achievements where we forget about those around us.  We tend to leave it to too few to take on the load themselves, rarely offering a helping hand.  So I'm looking forward to taking that next step, away from myself to volunteer and help an event run that otherwise wouldn't without those in the community who are selfless.

I shall report back tomorrow night and let you know what my experience was like and let's hope (given that I have the role of time-keeper) I manage to do it reasonably event free.

Till tomorrow I shall leave you with a note that my son left me (I might add his 10 so I had to forget the expressive language). It read:

Top secret serious crap!

Open the  card and inside it says:-

Everything ends.  But I know you'll keep trying.  Picture is brilliant 👌

Here's a photo of it:-

A Cruel Lesson

DAY 12

I have no idea what the lesson is meant to be for me out of this bike accident but what I do know is I'm pretty sure I didn't need to feel this bad to learn it.  I realise I didn't fully learn from the other things in my life that resulted in me having PTSD but I was trying.  I'm still trying.  I'm trying to be a better person and someone who my kids can be proud of knowing I always did what I thought was best even if it wasn't always the right choice.

I can't imagine another 6 weeks without running.  There's no way I want to stay feeling this way for 6 more weeks.  I have another MRI on Tuesday and they will need to take the brace off, my skin is burning under it and I've had enough.  5 more days is about my limit.  I'm confident they'll let me out of it and put me in one thats more flexible as long as I agree to follow the proper rehab which I have every intention of doing.

So, tomorrow I plan on a mid morning walk after therapy, god knows I'll need it by then and I plan on writing myself a meal plan to get my nutrition back on track (up to 13kgs weight gain now) very frustrating! I have to start somewhere and nutrition will be important for my recovery too.  It can help with my sleep, energy and anxiety along with overall mood.  Can't go wrong with good nutrition.  Once I write out a few days plan I can look at small things I can do such as walking to keep my leg muscles from starting to deteriorate.  It's not good to be bed ridden.  My hips the last two days have ached to the point I can't stand up and it's just from lack of movement (the accident too no doubt I was thrown pretty high into the air).

Although it's going to be a long road if I plan it properly that ironman in 2018 is definitely doable.

Today I'm grateful that I can make plans for the future.
Today I am grateful I have wonderful people by my side.
Today I am grateful I made it to my sons concert.

Palindromic Arthritis

Day 11

I wasn't going to create an entry for a few days, I'd promised I'd stick with the uplifting, inspiring, unbelievable story of courage and hope but the truth is thats just not how I feel tonight.  I'm riddled with pain.  Mostly physical but a little emotional as well although I do feel surprisingly strong within myself under the circumstances.  I'm literally watching the clock, counting down the next 49 minutes until I can take 4 more pain tablets.

It's not ideal but definitely necessary.  See I'm in a lot of pain.  The rib is painful around the clock and still hurts if I try and take a good breath in and I dread the thought of laughing, coughing or sneezing.  Doesn't take much to trigger that intense pain.  Laying on my back (because of the neck brace) seems to agitate the rib even more too but there no other way to lay down.

But that's not what I want to whinge about tonight, see usually in moments of extreme stress, both mental and physical it will trigger my Palindromic Arthritis to flare.  So that's what's happened plus I think the fact that I've had to scratch a lot because of the heat and sweating under the brace I've overused my joints in my fingers and hands resulting in the fourth finger on my left hand and the first finger on my right hand becoming extremely painful to move.  I can still move them tonight but with Palindromic Arthritis the swelling usually gets so bad the joints become locked and won't move at all.  I'm hoping I don't loose the joints completely for a few days or typing will become almost impossible.  It's bad enough now, I'm one finger typing on my phone to avoid using the swollen ones too much.

I really don't know what's more painful at the moment, the fingers and joints or my rib maybe it's the intense burning of my chin and neck where it's sweated and itched so much under the brace now there's layers of skin missing and what is there is raw and burning.

I need to somehow stop this urge to spiral into the 'why me' frame of mind and shift it to all the things that I have that are positive in my life.  To somehow not focus on the pain and all the things I can't do and somehow find happiness in the little things I can like take a short walk and breathe in the beautiful fresh air.  Also things like cooking, I'm still able to cook while my joints aren't too swollen, that's a huge positive.  Be grateful that I'm well enough to go to my sons concert tomorrow even though it will be somewhat uncomfortable at least I can still be there to watch him, others won't have that amazing opportunity.

The accident wounds, breaks and scars both mental and physical will fade but the Palindromic Arthritis won't so it's something I better learn to manage and stay positive about or there's no really no point. I won't wake up tomorrow pain free and arthritis free, there is no medication that's fully affective although they do provide tremendous relief.  So I better start changing my attitude and quick smart.

On a brighter note I had one of my favourite people pay me a visit today.  It was good, just sitting there chatting about life, kids, jobs, past residences etc.  Just a simple easy flowing conversation.  Was wonderful.  It's been wonderful for me (especially with the PTSD) to be able to connect emotionally with someone and to trust someone completely.  A wonderful experience that I wouldn't want to change and it has certainly changed me.  I don't think I could ever fully go back to the way I was before I met her.  There's a positive right there.  And although I can't do the things I want to do right now, I will do them.  I know I will, because although they'll be hard I've experienced pain both emotional and physical on so many different levels I can't fathom not being strong enough to finish what I started.

So that's the plan.  An ironman in 2018! Fully qualified level 2 run coach and a cert 1V in nutrition.  I believe I can achieve success at all three.  Two I'm already half and 3/4 way there.  The big one I'm yet to start but it will mean slow and steady.  No time to feel sorry for myself, no time to dwell on the negatives.  Just enough time to rest and recover and heal properly before the real training starts.

Today I'm grateful just to be.

Here's a more recent photo of me healing nicely.  Apologies for the sad look I've never taken a good selfie.  (Might be something else I can work on).

Kindness

Day 10

I'm so tired but I think it's important I write this blog today, then I can have a long rest tomorrow.  Why is it so important that I write this blog in particular?  It's important because the last 24 hours (not even that) so many people have shown me kindness because I have opened myself up and allowed them in.  It's incredible how, when you open your heart (which of course runs a high risk of getting hurt) the kind things people (even strangers) will do for you.

I'll explain as best i can, hopefully tear free, why I'm so passionate about writing this blog in particular.  It started when I sat down to eat dinner last night. I was eating a dinner that I hadn't prepared but had been dropped into my home the day before by a mother from my sons primary school whom I've had little to with over the last 12 months particularity as my PTSD symptoms got worse.  We used to chat each night at the school gate but I stopped going into the school as facing people became too overwhelming for me.  It was better to sit in the car and let the kids make their way to me.  So even though we'd had little contact for quite some time, at best a wave as we drove past one another, she still dropped a pre-prepared dinner for the 5 of us and said little about our relationship just gave me a kiss and cuddle, wished me well and a speedy recovery and told me to let her know if there was anything else she could do.

As I'm eating this wonderful dinner, a message came through from messenger whom I recognised as a lady I had met maybe 12 months ago and had run with from a run club called DCR runners and we chatted in particular on one run where we had run together the whole time.  In her message, she asked if I was up for a walk and coffee at the end of the week and when I explained I couldn't drive, she responded with I'll come and pick you up (this is 30 mins round trip out of her way) and that another lady may want to catch up too so she would arrange for that to happen I just need to call to confirm.

As I finished that reply I decided I just couldn't bear the thought of another night in the stuffy house, bed ridden, but my partner who has type 1 diabetes has also copped a nasty cold and I didn't really want to ask him to do anymore than he had to so I decided to post in a local run club called LRC if anyone could possibly fly past and pick me up as I can't drive, again, I'm relatively new to this club and I barely know anyone's name yet and certainly haven't met many of the club members but within minutes of my post I had two offers one from someone I had met briefly once and another from a lady whom I'd never met before.  She picked me up, even asked me to let her know if driving hurt my neck so she could slow down, but assured me she'd drive as carefully as she could.

Once there, I had a complete stranger come up and introduce herself and shake my hand and tell me she's been reading my blog.  Wow! That blew me away.  They were going for coffee, so again I need a lift to the cafe and this wasn't a problem, nor was getting a lift home again which I'm surprised after I turned every conversation i heard into something it wasn't like Mel said to Kirsty make sure you have cash, I swore she said make sure you have some hash!!! Still reakon that's what she said.  Then Vula suggested Mel may want a radox bath, definitely not how I heard it, more like suggesting she have a gravox bath!!! Perhaps after they roast her!  Anyway, needless to say they have requested I get my ears checked, I've re-assured them all I'm fine, I think they could be testing the outsider they just won't admit it.  Kaz, who drove me to the cafe for coffee drove straight over the full sized curb then proceeded to laugh while apologised! Perhaps that's why I misheard all the convos.  Could have been from my brain jiggling around from her driving!  Ummm....perhaps I'll forgive them all just this once.

When I arrived home I noticed I had an unread fb messenger message and this one really pulled at my heart strings.  I won't share it as it's private and special but I can tell you it came from someone who rarely has a lot to say but when she does speak or message the words are so beautiful it reduces me to tears. I haven't cried since the accident until I read this message and it all just came flooding out.

The mere act of human kindness shown in so many different forms.  It's the middle of the night right now but at first light I plan on paying it forward by dropping a little something around to the lady who hung onto my crashed bike at her place until my partner was able to collect it and also waited right til the ambulance drove off to make sure I was going to be ok.  I must replace the hand towel that I ruin with blood stains also.

Signing off as I'm ordered to bedrest for a few days and I get very tired very quick.

Your batshit crazy blogger

Donna Xo

The Cake

Day 9

Been lying awake all night.  Had such a good day yesterday and now I can't sleep.  The pain in my back and ribs where there is a lot of bruising is so uncomfortable not to mention the neck brace, my head goes numb where it leans on it and cuts off circulation.  Anyone who has worn one know's exactly what they are like.  I missed yoga last night, obviously I can't do any of it like this.  It's my favourite release too because I know almost all the songs and every word and I like to sing even if I'm terrible at it.  No-ones ever said anything negative so I just go for it.  Belt it out at the top of my lungs.  Maybe I feel like I'm making up for lost time.

I normally would be getting up and getting the kids off to school then straight off to boxing class.  I miss it.  I'd only just returned after a bad bout of PTSD symptoms and now I'm forced to take another long break.  And what about run club.  I finally pushed myself to become involved within my local community and met a lovely bunch of people and now this.  I'm telling myself there's a lesson in this somewhere I just need to be patient and I'll learn all I need to know but it's hard.  I feel like I'm not meant to be happy.  That I'm just meant to watch everyone else fulfill their dreams and I just sit and watch.  Almost like the world can't cope with me.

Of course the rational me knows thats completely rediculous and that's not the case at all.  It was an accident, a very unfortunate one, but just an accident.  I'm nothing special and I don't claim to be.  Frightened, unsure and overwhelmed quite often but not special.

So today I'm embarking on a three tierd chocolate cake with frosting and a three tiered rainbow cake.  Could be quite interesting with this rediculous concoction preventing me from moving my head.  See, it's my sons 16th Birthday on Sunday and his having a house party.  He should have foreseen that I'd break my neck, really it's quite selfish of him.

The cakes gone in the oven so now I'm thinking I really should do my therapy homework but then I become completely overwhelmed.  Engulfed in this fear of absolutely nothing.  There's no-one here,nothing to hurt me and I love little projects and yet here we go.  That rediculous fear of nothing made worse because you can't tell anyone about it or talk openly cause people really will start talking.  As if they don't already.  It's human nature to be curious about other human beings and what makes them tick.  PTSD is what makes me tick at the moment.  Like a ticking bomb just waiting to go off.

Therapy homework can wait.  The feelings wheel will still be there tonight as will the journal and the paper tasks.  I need a walk, some fresh air.  I'm suffocating in this silly neck brace.  Can't even take it off for a shower, I mean really what do they think I'll do, slip?  Ok, yeah maybe wearing it in the shower is a good idea.  I've changed my mind, it's a woman's prerogative to do so, so I'm have some treatment on my bruised rib.  Then I might be able to finish the trial cake without too much pain.

I've been a naughty little girl.  Very naughty.  In my haste to return to some form of movement other than breathing I've managed to strain my muscle and tissues down my lower back.  The verdict.  Bed rest!  Grrrrrr.......really!  I have legs and they work so I'd like to use them any chance I get.

Well, I managed to finish the trial 16th cake, all too often PTSD gets in the way and simple tasks turn into this impossible chaotic never ending blur.  I did it! I DID IT!

Today I am grateful I was able to bake a cake, it's that simple ❤️  

Love you fashionably mad blogger about nothing

Donna Xo

Therapy

THERAPY DAY

I've woken up pretty good for someone with a fractured neck and rib.  But then I remember today is therapy day.  Something I don't look forward to at all.  Ironic given what I went through to get some specialised trauma therapy that was affordable and long term.  I'm terrified of going.  Not even sure why really.  My therapist is awsome and she clearly knows her shit.  Maybe that scares me a bit.  What if she challenges me on things I don't want to be challenged on?  I feel like therapy day is a right-off before it starts.  I worry when I'm not there, I worry about getting there, I worry about being late, I stress about being too early, I worry about questionnaires and questions she may ask, I worry about how I will come across.  I told her in a session on the phone to ^*+= off!  Not one of my prouder moments as a human being.  PTSD is not an excuse for being a complete d^*+!

Probably normal fears for someone with PTSD but it never feels normal.  That's the thing with this horrible diagnosis, you never feel normal.  Lights are overwhelming, sounds, smells.  The simplest of tasks become confusing and things you once loved become overwhelming.  It's insidious.  Relentless.  Some days you feel like there is no peace and no light at the end of the tunnel (not one that doesn't hurt the shit out of your eyes anyway)!

So you don't look into the future and you stop making plans because chances are that day you'll be lucky to get showered and dressed.  Then the guilt.  That awful guilt that there are people who can't walk, have missing limbs, no money, job or home and your in that mindset that continues the spiral down.  No-one understands.  People say they do to be polite but they clearly have no idea.  Everyone has a solution of course too.  You exercise too much.  Cut back running, stop swimming, slow down, rest.  See here's the thing a few months ago I did slow down.  I had too anyway I had 2 laberal hip tears.  But that ended badly.  A trip to hospital, 10kgs heavier, kids living in absolute chaos, added stress on my partner battling his own medical issues as a type 1 diabetic.  No, slowing down too much has one outcome and it's not ideal.  Sometimes it's what I'd prefer. To end the pain but c'mon I have three amazing kids to live for.  I have everything to live for.  And yet it still sucks me in.  Every time.

I've finished therapy and I'm pretty proud of myself.  I think I'm doing ok for someone with a few obstacles in their way.  I'll leave you with a few things I'm grateful for.

Today I'm grateful that my legs still work after the accident and I was able to walk 1.6kms.

Today I'm grateful that I made it to therapy.

Today I'm grateful to be alive.

My thoughts and prayers go out to 2 special friends today.

They know who they are.  

Fashionably Mad

Donna Xo

The Bike Accident

The morning of the 10th September 2017 wasn't that much different than any other, one thing I guess that stood out was my mood.  It was somewhat brighter than it had been for a long time.  I had completed a level 1 running coach course and looked forward to the many new things I could embark on in the future.  I remember my daughter saying as I headed to the garage to get my bike out for my long ride, "mum, you look so happy. Have a great ride won't you".  I remember saying "thank you honey I will". With that said, I shut the front door not thinking for one second my life would change (thankfully only temporarily) so drastically with that one decision.

I decided to embark on a long ride (for me just starting back I was thinking between 40-50kms) as I had a dream to enter Challenge Melbourne Half Ironman in April 2018.  Again I say a dream.  Training always helps keep the darkness away.  Lightens the darkest of days with hope.  I noticed my tyre was a little flat and for that split second I had thought what a good excuse to stay indoors but then the realisation that the symptoms of the PTSD weren't going to get any better sitting around kicked in and I pumped it up and headed off.

It was awsome, the wind in my face, the smell of freshly cut grass, the sound of people playing tennis and cricket as I flew past the clubs along the track.  This is living I thought.  I got around 10kms in and went to sip some water when it hit me that I had left the bottle freshly filled on the kitchen bench at home.  I decided to go home as there was no way I'd make another 30kms without water so that's what I did.  I took a quick toilet break, grabbed my bottle and continued back on my ride.  Didn't say anything to the kids, I'm not even sure they knew I'd come home.  Took a while to get back into it and settle in but once I did I felt that same sense of living.  That is until a magpie got me in his sights and decided I wasn't welcome on 'his' path.  Swooping again and again I honestly thought he'd never stop.  I rode and rode what felt like eternity but in fact was merely seconds until he left me alone.  I thought one final loop and that's it this ride isn't quite as relaxing as I had hoped.  I did ponder returning home then and there but looking down and seeing 30kms not 40km gave me the inspiration that I needed for the final 10kms.

I saw the lazy (I mean no disrespect) Sunday walkers, three of them taking up the entire pathway.   I went around the one on the right back onto the left side of the path and round the bend oooops.....a rock.  Actually that's an understatement it was a damn big boulder!!  Straight into it at a high speed! Flipped over the handlebars became airborne and landed headfirst on another rock.  I won't bore you with the details but heading into hospital in an ambulance then entering as a trauma patient but having PTSD presents as another whole problem in itself.  That story will be for another day.  Needless to say I fractured 2 vertebra in my neck (C6 & C7) and the first rib was also fractured.  They tell me that's one of the hardest bones to break and takes tremendous force.

No spinal cord damage.  When the nurse told me I broke my neck I thought my kids were playing a prank on me.  Maybe my partner had decided I needed a wake up call and thought he would try this to get me to pull it together.  Then I looked at her face and it was no joke.  She was dead serious.  They wanted to stop me from getting out of the bed so they told me hoping I would take it ok.  I did.  In that moment I realised what an idiot I've been.  How selfish and how I was ardenant the world owed me a damn favour!  The world owes me nothing.  I'll get back what I give and clearly I wasn't giving much.

So I've created this blog 'finally' as a way to empower myself to move forward each day. Accept things won't always go my way but also and most importantly to share the good stuff with someone.  Living with PTSD most of my life (not that I knew I had it) has meant I've led a life that's very isolated and lonely.  At times I feel extremely sad.

This blog won't always be a happy one as some days are pure hell stuck in darkness for me.  But I hope that it's real.  I am a normal person reacting normally to abnormal situations and haven't learnt coping mechanisms to defeat the PTSD YET!  that's my new favourite word.  There's no such thing as never, only yet.  So I'm YET to start back in my triathlon training as I have to undergo rehabilitation first, I only just finished from a torn hip and got my palindromic arthritis pain under control, but I vow to return by Christmas and compete in an ironman by the end of 2018!

Please excuse as no proofreading has occurred I'm too damn tired and my neck is killing me.

Until next time......due for some pain meds and rest.......

Fashionably Mental
Donna