Palindromic Arthritis

Day 11

I wasn't going to create an entry for a few days, I'd promised I'd stick with the uplifting, inspiring, unbelievable story of courage and hope but the truth is thats just not how I feel tonight.  I'm riddled with pain.  Mostly physical but a little emotional as well although I do feel surprisingly strong within myself under the circumstances.  I'm literally watching the clock, counting down the next 49 minutes until I can take 4 more pain tablets.

It's not ideal but definitely necessary.  See I'm in a lot of pain.  The rib is painful around the clock and still hurts if I try and take a good breath in and I dread the thought of laughing, coughing or sneezing.  Doesn't take much to trigger that intense pain.  Laying on my back (because of the neck brace) seems to agitate the rib even more too but there no other way to lay down.

But that's not what I want to whinge about tonight, see usually in moments of extreme stress, both mental and physical it will trigger my Palindromic Arthritis to flare.  So that's what's happened plus I think the fact that I've had to scratch a lot because of the heat and sweating under the brace I've overused my joints in my fingers and hands resulting in the fourth finger on my left hand and the first finger on my right hand becoming extremely painful to move.  I can still move them tonight but with Palindromic Arthritis the swelling usually gets so bad the joints become locked and won't move at all.  I'm hoping I don't loose the joints completely for a few days or typing will become almost impossible.  It's bad enough now, I'm one finger typing on my phone to avoid using the swollen ones too much.

I really don't know what's more painful at the moment, the fingers and joints or my rib maybe it's the intense burning of my chin and neck where it's sweated and itched so much under the brace now there's layers of skin missing and what is there is raw and burning.

I need to somehow stop this urge to spiral into the 'why me' frame of mind and shift it to all the things that I have that are positive in my life.  To somehow not focus on the pain and all the things I can't do and somehow find happiness in the little things I can like take a short walk and breathe in the beautiful fresh air.  Also things like cooking, I'm still able to cook while my joints aren't too swollen, that's a huge positive.  Be grateful that I'm well enough to go to my sons concert tomorrow even though it will be somewhat uncomfortable at least I can still be there to watch him, others won't have that amazing opportunity.

The accident wounds, breaks and scars both mental and physical will fade but the Palindromic Arthritis won't so it's something I better learn to manage and stay positive about or there's no really no point. I won't wake up tomorrow pain free and arthritis free, there is no medication that's fully affective although they do provide tremendous relief.  So I better start changing my attitude and quick smart.

On a brighter note I had one of my favourite people pay me a visit today.  It was good, just sitting there chatting about life, kids, jobs, past residences etc.  Just a simple easy flowing conversation.  Was wonderful.  It's been wonderful for me (especially with the PTSD) to be able to connect emotionally with someone and to trust someone completely.  A wonderful experience that I wouldn't want to change and it has certainly changed me.  I don't think I could ever fully go back to the way I was before I met her.  There's a positive right there.  And although I can't do the things I want to do right now, I will do them.  I know I will, because although they'll be hard I've experienced pain both emotional and physical on so many different levels I can't fathom not being strong enough to finish what I started.

So that's the plan.  An ironman in 2018! Fully qualified level 2 run coach and a cert 1V in nutrition.  I believe I can achieve success at all three.  Two I'm already half and 3/4 way there.  The big one I'm yet to start but it will mean slow and steady.  No time to feel sorry for myself, no time to dwell on the negatives.  Just enough time to rest and recover and heal properly before the real training starts.

Today I'm grateful just to be.

Here's a more recent photo of me healing nicely.  Apologies for the sad look I've never taken a good selfie.  (Might be something else I can work on).