Therapy

THERAPY DAY

I've woken up pretty good for someone with a fractured neck and rib.  But then I remember today is therapy day.  Something I don't look forward to at all.  Ironic given what I went through to get some specialised trauma therapy that was affordable and long term.  I'm terrified of going.  Not even sure why really.  My therapist is awsome and she clearly knows her shit.  Maybe that scares me a bit.  What if she challenges me on things I don't want to be challenged on?  I feel like therapy day is a right-off before it starts.  I worry when I'm not there, I worry about getting there, I worry about being late, I stress about being too early, I worry about questionnaires and questions she may ask, I worry about how I will come across.  I told her in a session on the phone to ^*+= off!  Not one of my prouder moments as a human being.  PTSD is not an excuse for being a complete d^*+!

Probably normal fears for someone with PTSD but it never feels normal.  That's the thing with this horrible diagnosis, you never feel normal.  Lights are overwhelming, sounds, smells.  The simplest of tasks become confusing and things you once loved become overwhelming.  It's insidious.  Relentless.  Some days you feel like there is no peace and no light at the end of the tunnel (not one that doesn't hurt the shit out of your eyes anyway)!

So you don't look into the future and you stop making plans because chances are that day you'll be lucky to get showered and dressed.  Then the guilt.  That awful guilt that there are people who can't walk, have missing limbs, no money, job or home and your in that mindset that continues the spiral down.  No-one understands.  People say they do to be polite but they clearly have no idea.  Everyone has a solution of course too.  You exercise too much.  Cut back running, stop swimming, slow down, rest.  See here's the thing a few months ago I did slow down.  I had too anyway I had 2 laberal hip tears.  But that ended badly.  A trip to hospital, 10kgs heavier, kids living in absolute chaos, added stress on my partner battling his own medical issues as a type 1 diabetic.  No, slowing down too much has one outcome and it's not ideal.  Sometimes it's what I'd prefer. To end the pain but c'mon I have three amazing kids to live for.  I have everything to live for.  And yet it still sucks me in.  Every time.

I've finished therapy and I'm pretty proud of myself.  I think I'm doing ok for someone with a few obstacles in their way.  I'll leave you with a few things I'm grateful for.

Today I'm grateful that my legs still work after the accident and I was able to walk 1.6kms.

Today I'm grateful that I made it to therapy.

Today I'm grateful to be alive.

My thoughts and prayers go out to 2 special friends today.

They know who they are.  

Fashionably Mad

Donna Xo