The Cake

Day 9

Been lying awake all night.  Had such a good day yesterday and now I can't sleep.  The pain in my back and ribs where there is a lot of bruising is so uncomfortable not to mention the neck brace, my head goes numb where it leans on it and cuts off circulation.  Anyone who has worn one know's exactly what they are like.  I missed yoga last night, obviously I can't do any of it like this.  It's my favourite release too because I know almost all the songs and every word and I like to sing even if I'm terrible at it.  No-ones ever said anything negative so I just go for it.  Belt it out at the top of my lungs.  Maybe I feel like I'm making up for lost time.

I normally would be getting up and getting the kids off to school then straight off to boxing class.  I miss it.  I'd only just returned after a bad bout of PTSD symptoms and now I'm forced to take another long break.  And what about run club.  I finally pushed myself to become involved within my local community and met a lovely bunch of people and now this.  I'm telling myself there's a lesson in this somewhere I just need to be patient and I'll learn all I need to know but it's hard.  I feel like I'm not meant to be happy.  That I'm just meant to watch everyone else fulfill their dreams and I just sit and watch.  Almost like the world can't cope with me.

Of course the rational me knows thats completely rediculous and that's not the case at all.  It was an accident, a very unfortunate one, but just an accident.  I'm nothing special and I don't claim to be.  Frightened, unsure and overwhelmed quite often but not special.

So today I'm embarking on a three tierd chocolate cake with frosting and a three tiered rainbow cake.  Could be quite interesting with this rediculous concoction preventing me from moving my head.  See, it's my sons 16th Birthday on Sunday and his having a house party.  He should have foreseen that I'd break my neck, really it's quite selfish of him.

The cakes gone in the oven so now I'm thinking I really should do my therapy homework but then I become completely overwhelmed.  Engulfed in this fear of absolutely nothing.  There's no-one here,nothing to hurt me and I love little projects and yet here we go.  That rediculous fear of nothing made worse because you can't tell anyone about it or talk openly cause people really will start talking.  As if they don't already.  It's human nature to be curious about other human beings and what makes them tick.  PTSD is what makes me tick at the moment.  Like a ticking bomb just waiting to go off.

Therapy homework can wait.  The feelings wheel will still be there tonight as will the journal and the paper tasks.  I need a walk, some fresh air.  I'm suffocating in this silly neck brace.  Can't even take it off for a shower, I mean really what do they think I'll do, slip?  Ok, yeah maybe wearing it in the shower is a good idea.  I've changed my mind, it's a woman's prerogative to do so, so I'm have some treatment on my bruised rib.  Then I might be able to finish the trial cake without too much pain.

I've been a naughty little girl.  Very naughty.  In my haste to return to some form of movement other than breathing I've managed to strain my muscle and tissues down my lower back.  The verdict.  Bed rest!  Grrrrrr.......really!  I have legs and they work so I'd like to use them any chance I get.

Well, I managed to finish the trial 16th cake, all too often PTSD gets in the way and simple tasks turn into this impossible chaotic never ending blur.  I did it! I DID IT!

Today I am grateful I was able to bake a cake, it's that simple ❤️  

Love you fashionably mad blogger about nothing

Donna Xo