The Enormity Hits Home

Day 14

Why Today?  Is it because my middle son is turning 16 and I realise how close I came to not being here to celebrate his birthday with him? I can't tell you why because I am having trouble understanding it myself.  Is it the fact that I was in so much pain in the beginning and didn't have time to process anything including the amount of pain I was in that its taken me 14 days to start to question everything?

That's the thing with emotional and physical injuries, there is no self-help book to follow, there's no way of knowing if what your experiencing is normal under the circumstances similar to PTSD symptoms, its very hard to sift through and work out what is a normal reaction to very abnormal situations and what is perhaps learned behaviour that is no longer appropriate.  What might be appropriate or normal within the realms of someone's ability to heal may not be for someone else.

I just feel numb today, I should be over the moon, I can still cook which is one of my favourite things to do, I can finish my study once the dizziness completely subsides and I can hug my partner, friends and three beautiful children.  I can walk outside in the fresh air and use the legs I was born with and in the scheme of what could have gone wrong someone was on my side that day and I'm thinking probably still is.

Maybe its the weight gain that's getting me down given that its up to 13kgs now.  Isn't that so vain.  I've certainly never viewed myself as someone who cares only about how they look above anything else.  Perhaps its just the trauma of such a serious accident that could have left me a quadriplegic or a paraplegic or dead, as shocking as it sounds if I hadn't of had my helmet on or even fastened properly I wouldn't be here tonight feeling sorry for myself writing this blog.  That's the harsh reality, I'm just one of the extremely lucky ones.  But here's the thing trauma isn't something that new to me, so really you would think by now id have a much better grip on how to deal with these things but I don't.  And accidents aren't new to my family either.  Without opening old wounds and going into too much detail about the how's and why's my father was hit by a car while walking across the road 8 years ago. 

He suffered horrific injuries as the car that hit him was going at 80kms per hour.  He spent months in a coma and then 6 months in rehabilitation, learning to walk again, use the toilet again once he regained control of his body.  He had numerous operations. I lost count there were that many, he has been put back together however, he still suffers ABI (Acquired Brain Injury).  That cant be cured so life has taken a pretty big turn. I can say that I do believe that accident was meant to happen and only good has come out of it on every front.  I often wonder how the family are going that were driving and in the car that hit him and if I could speak to them I would tell them not to waist one minute feeling bad.  Every aspect of his life since then has been for the better. 

I wish it was simple where I could just ask for my life back before I started suffering from the symptoms of PTSD but the truth is I don't want it back.  I don't want to look back, only forward.  I really want to complete that half ironman I spoke of at the end of 2018.  I go back to the hospital for another MRI and further diagnosis regarding this neck brace, driving, rehabilitation etc.  I am going to request that I stop taking the pain meds. Its hard to study and concentrate and I would like to finish my Cert 1V in Weight Management while I'm pretty housebound and cant drive so that as I heal I will have something to focus on.

I hope this is just a small bump in the road and nothing too major.  I have therapy tomorrow so I will try and process some of the feelings to see if there are things I can do to ensure I move forward a little every day.  I don't want to get stuck again.  I'm really scared too because while I have full movement in my arms and legs I have lost feeling in the top of my left arm which is my writing hand.  I think if someone punched me I wouldn't feel anything.  I hope its not permanent nerve damage.  I know even that isn't that bad in the scheme of things but I feel like I've had my fair share.

I don't need anymore lessons thank you, I'm having enough trouble processing the ones I've been sent to learn from.  While I'd rather not put this next line in, so far I have spoke from the heart, good or bad and I don't want tonight to be any different so.....

Today I am grateful for absolutely nothing.m

Nothing.

Not a damn thing.