To seek understanding

Day 18

I didn't feel done with my previous blog.  Didn't say half of what I wanted to so I'm going to say it now cause I sure as hell ain't holding the peace.  I'm trying to be patient with people.  I'm trying to empathise with my family but I'm really struggling today.  I just don't get how they don't understand.  Isn't it really clear? Can't everyone see it?  Shouldn't even the most self centred person get it at least to a certain extent?  Perhaps I have expectations that are just far too high on everybody and I need to step into their shoes a little more.  Understand that a lot of what they are doing now and choices they are making are of my own creation.  I know your thinking that doesn't make any sense.  Your even thinking perhaps that hit on the head was a lot harder than originally thought?  Let me start by telling you it was bloody hard enough, any harder and i reakon I'd have actually physically lost my head.

No, what I mean is (I'll explain it as best as I can) I'm not sure they get the pain I'm actually in.  I laugh and try and be brave but I broke my bloody neck.  I haven't sat down for 3 days.  As soon as I try and sit down someone needs or wants something.  Not sure if I feel guilty for being so sick but I try and compensate by making nice breakfasts like pancakes & granola, yoghurt & fresh fruit.  Lentil, chickpea & veggie curry for lunch & fresh fruit salad for supper.  Cakes galore.  I've never baked so many cakes in my life.  Caramel frosted ones, chocolate, vanilla, Oreo & maltesers topped cup cakes, you name it I've baked it.  Hosted my son's 16 and fully catered for it,  shopping, cleaning you name it I've done it.  Everything except drive.  Now my partner wants to return to work full time on Sunday. 😡 Do you think you should ask me first? Ummm....That's right I forgot I'm super woman.  Anyone that can cook cup cakes that good can probably do anything.  My Palindromic Arthritis has run rampant with the stress my body is under too.  Just more severe pain to deal with.  It's ok though, as long as I don't touch anything, don't lay down, don't breathe too deep and I'm fine..  Sure, no problem I can do everything, remember I'm super woman it's easy for me because everything comes easy.  And I'm lucky.  I don't show pain so that makes me one of the lucky ones isn't that right?

Tonight, before I headed out to run club to watch my fellow runners & catch some much needed fresh air I just lost it.  I'd had enough.  I need caring for too.  I need a hug & kiss, maybe a foot rub or even just to hold my hand once in a while.  Tell me everything going to be ok even with the PTSD.  I think they've forgotten I'm human.  They too have been riding the rollercoaster of PTSD as onlookers for too long.  It's sucked them in too.  They don't believe I have feelings or feel pain like everyone else.  See, I do, I just hold it in.  I had lots of practice at it so I became an expert.  Now I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until someone hears me.

I need sleep, lots of it.  All night, perhaps maybe all day tomorrow.  Honestly, 3 hours straight would be phenominal.  Sleep, that's what I need.  Sleep...........please don't wake me......

Donna
Xo