The struggle is real

Day 17

I'm so pissed at myself right now.  I promised myself under no circumstances until I am cleared to exercise properly (what i mean by that is some strength work, swim sessions, maybe a spin class here and there) would I even think about my weight.  I certainly wasn't going to weigh myself.  I know I've put on heaps and I'm now back to my starting weight 2 years ago.  It's not the accident either (although that's now making it impossible to drop it easily), it was the damn PTSD for months on end wearing me down to the point I just gave up the fight.

I just had nothing left.  I had reverted back to my old coping mechanisms and that was to shut off.  I stopped getting out of the car at school to chat to mums waiting to get their kids, I could barely string 2 words together.  I stopped my Personal Training once a week, made every excuse why I couldn't attend any of the fitness classes even though I knew by not attending I would spiral down even quicker and end up worse off I continued to justify my poor choices.  It's hard to find people who truly understand though, cause they just don't.  They try to, but can't ever really know just how bad PTSD can get a hold of you.

The fear is crippling.  Then if you suffer from disassociation it's even more frightening because you absolutely have no control whatsoever from it.  None.  You can be feeling really good, having a good day and it hits you.  You can't put your finger on what's happening, you have lapses in memory.  No-one would choose to live like that it can even be dangerous, hence why I believe I stopped going out of the house much.  I didn't like that feeling of not being fully in control.

So what on earth am I going to do about my weight, it's not like I don't know where to start, I've been studying nutrition for 6 months now.  I've hit my ideal weight before and found my comfortable training load where I can push but still feel comfortable I think that was around 12 months ago when I truly peaked.  I must admit it's been a while since I've been there, but I remember clearly the feeling within myself and my body.

I'm starting to wean off the pain medication as of today and I'll start a very simple and easy program for myself next week to see if I can hopefully get back on the right track.  Almost all the superficial wounds are healed now it's just the internal injuries and most importantly my mind (healing from PTSD).



Madder than ever

Donna Xo