Its aparently ok to not be ok

I often try and be as positive as I can and I realise a lot of people reading this blog expect (well ok that's quite harsh), but hope that I can at least attempt to be inspirational.  Not happening Right now, I didn't feel ok, id barely stepped foot into my stay at PARC (For those of you that don't know for me it's like a trauma recovery centre from crisis) 24 hrs later when I went home so damn tired from taking drugs, benzo's, psychotic drugs for anxiety, vitamins (probably the only good thing that will come out of what I put in my mouth, other than healthy food) but i'm also on ant-depressants and sleeping tablets.  My weight at my fittest was 62kgs, I'm now 80kgs.  I was a very loose size 10, in the space of 6 months I'm just on 80kgs.  How could anyone feel good about that or feel comfortable in their own skin.  I madly ran around after the kids feeling terrible for being so sick (both mentally & physically) and manage to flood my house having only returned a couple of hours then ran late for drop-off's & pick-ups for basketball games, didn't finish cleaning the damn water everywhere, I recognise now I take on way too much.

For now I need medication (despite not being a big fan of any of them) they have stopped my haunting suicide thoughts and I feel much more grounded.  I'm proud of myself, I work hard at getting well, I read all the material they give me, as hard as it is I open up in groups (sometimes too much) and I know I've had a decent impact on some of the other residents because they've told me straight out.  Even if I could I wouldn't but I'm not allowed to share group experiences as that's a safe place to talk.

Staff are awesome, plenty of support, you can call on them any time and they will try and chat and they schedule time for you on your weekly planner like occupational therapy to learn self-soothing things when distressed.  There's group therapy every day except Wednesday's and they help you with talking to kids it's called 'let's talk' age appropriate questions to explore and there is also loads of ted talk videos (one springs into mind specifically on PTSD) it was like she was talking about me.  There is also loads of things to link into and affordable support & most importantly re-connecting with your community.  I've met some wonderful people and I'm learning to overcome my black & white, all or nothing type thinking and also sit with uncomfortable thoughts & feelings.

So far I can only speak very highly of PARC, my stay has brought about many changes in me (no matter how small) and my coping strategies, each staff member brings a slightly different perspective to an issue or topic and I now have some extra choices & strategies that won't tear my family to pieces.

There is grey, I tried to run the other morning & couldn't breathe but when I stopped & looked up to the sky to ask "why the hell me" I saw balloons.  Can't wait to ride in one one day.

Let's see what tomorrow brings
Donna Xo