Beginning to the End?

How would any of us really know when things are coming to an end?  I mean, stop and think about it for a second and how do we foresee the end to things in our lives, both good and bad?  How do we know when it's a good time to let something or someone go?  We don't really do we.  We often just let our emotions drive us to decide what's good (and not so good for us) but other than following our emotions how do we figure it out?  Is there really such hidden meaning behind everything?

Are some of us just bloody unlucky and cop our fair share of struggles, then perhaps enough for the person next to us too?  Is there any way we can tell.  People talk about being in tune with you body.  I've definately done that.  But what about having a true understanding of when it's time to make changes?  What drives that thought predominately with us.

I certainly haven't hidden behind a lot of my diagnoses and promote them pretty far & wide, always with a genuine hope that someone out there would benefit from reading my blog and hearing my story.  I think the hard park is having my story predominately written myself but the corporate world deciding, how, when, where ,why and what should be shared because it's just another story with some stiff joints to add to PTSD to make it sound better.

The battler.  Never contacted me to check incase the major newspaper story may have written it incorrectly.  At what point the corporate dollar become so important that real feelings, real hard work and just some good old compassion gets forgotten.  Business is so important that real lives, and real emotions don't even have to be considered.  I mean, why would they they have what they want.  Everyone gained something out of someone's sufferering.  Glad I could help so many better line their pockets.

I'm very tired, very sore and way too emotional.  I haven't sobbed this hard for a very long time.

Signing off

Donna Xo

Change feels impossible

I'm not able to say too much tonight, I can honestly say its one of the saddest days ever in my life.  It's no-ones fault, not even mine just one of those moments when you try & tell yourself it's for the best but every inch of you is screaming otherwise.  You tell yourself, you've been bottling emotions since the accident, trying to be brave so they are brobably sitting on the surface just waiting to pounce.

I know I've been true to myself, worked really hard overcoming obstacles in my way and I believe I've done that not once forgetting anyone along the way.   I've been loyal, honest, caring, giving of myself, completely open to knew things, putting in full trust, questioning very little along the way.

If I don't somehow turn this into a positive I've lost the battle right there, before I even started the damn thing.  I believe I'm strong enough and I will get through this like everything else.

I'm sorry I can't write anything I'm thinking sleep is more important right now while I'm so emotional and let's be honest I did break my neck less than 6 weeks ago.

I'm hoping for a fresh perspective in the morning

Donna Xo

A New Battle

Follow-up x-ray

Afternoon,

This isn't something I really wanted to do, believe it or not we all like an element of privacy to our lives, yes even me, but I've been advised it's better to do it now than have people mis-interpret things or read into things too much making my symptoms of PTSD even worse.  As you all know I had a cycling accident on 10th September.  I already suffered from a rare form of arthritis which was I was managing really well with exercising with my trainer Belinda but I was struggling with severe symptoms of PTSD to the point that I felt that suicide may be my only option, after 6 months of screaming for someone to help me I stumbled (literally) across a clinic that took me on pro bono with proper specialised trauma therapy (I would gladly name the clinic but due to disclosure I'm not able to, however they are named in my very private journals. I think it's pretty well known I have been so grateful to them and I feel safe and able to talk for the first time about my past without slurring and shaking, it's been wonderful to know for myself and for others, with proper grounding techniques and a safe place that you yourself create, you can begin to heal, granted, it's not easy nor is it an overnight thing but it does work, there is hope so don't give up anyone reading this that has PTSD or C-PTSD.

Today I had an x-ray, rib is still cracked all the way through although I still believe that Thursday I will be able to start some rehab and swimming.  Maybe some light jogging or at least a spin class.  The rib will heal so that's not a problem, pain is not something that's new to me at all, I can cope with the thought of another month or so.  

So, what's the big deal I can hear you asking, we've heard all this before, yes you have and it's probably getting old, but when it comes to being repetitive and confused (like I am with the PTSD) those that are close to me and love me, my family and close friends unfortunately will need to get used to it for a while.  I found out today I have ontop of the arthritis, breaks & PTSD TBI.  That's short for Traumatic Brain Injury.  I forget almost everything (friends birthdays, appointments, phone calls) even when they are written down and I'm sent several reminders.  Lately I've either forgotten to eat all together or I've had several meals in the space of an hour because I forgot I'd already eaten.  I discovered how bad it was when adam purchased an extra large jar of coffee (i am the only coffee drinker in the house) and it was halfway down 2 days later.  I've been forgetting I've already had my morning coffee and repeated the ritual over and over.  I've put on almost 15kgs now and still counting.  I knew something was really wrong.

They told me it must have been incredible force to break the first rib, it's so encased and it's rarely seen even in horrific car accidents.  Unfortunately I hit in the right spot with enough force.  Speaking of force, I also hit my head too, meaning that my brain has copped a beating, leaving it badly injured where it's not able to work properly for now.  I was struggling with some disassociation from the PTSD but this is different.  I'm not able to remember anything much at all, conversations, texts, e-mails, phone calls, appointments, things I have to do etc.

I'm not asking for sympathy, ok maybe a little, but if I seem confused or forgetful write down what I've forgotten and tell me so I am able to work with some strategies for managing it til the swelling resides.  It will go down and I will get better but bear with me.  For now everything has to be written down and I have a star on my hand to remind me to check the list regularly.  Do I feel like a freak? Hell yes! But please don't make me feel like one by treating me differently because I can't remember a conversation we had, plans I may agree too or even a Birthday (I'm so so sorry Hamish & sarina I would never intentionally hurt you).  Justvtreat me like me.  Crazy, loud Donna.  I'm still the same me with the same feelings.

I'm doing everything I can to get better & plan on attacking rehabilitation with a vengeance as soon as I find out what I can do on Thursday.

Stay safe my friends.

Donna Xo

One Foot in Front of the Other

Day 33

It's been a heel of a week, there aren't too many that have been so up and down, full of such incredible highs and also made me feel so terribly low within such a short space of time.  Although my response may not have been appropriate I still feel the same with regards to Fitness Australia and that is that it was handled very inappropriately (a view that my therapist also shares) and came from a place of pure ignorance and lack of understanding of what PTSD is and how it affects someone.  It wasn't researched well at all.

I still maintain that a rather large catering bill was also, under the circumstances behind the story, very inappropriate and I'm not sure why this occurred.  I know there has been some issues with how that organisation has handled things in the past, experiencing this I'm not at all surprised.  Ok enough negativity, now on to the positives because there are so many.

I ran my first run session as a level 1 run coach and have had only positive feedback since the session.  It wasn't a small group, there were 20 present and all seemed to enjoy it and take something away from it.  I honestly loved it and it's something I'm very passionate about and want to continue to do and grow both in knowledge to help other people reach their goals and growth within myself also as a person.

An angel visited me mid week (probably when I was at my lowest) and has paid for my bike to be repaired and that has been dropped off to the repair centre for a quote.  I should also have enough left to also replace all of my branded clothes that were cut off me in emergency.  Incredible act of kindness from another human being without expectations of anything in return.

I've had three days where I have been able to take my neck brace off and although it has felt weird and even a little frightening I can't begin to describe the freedom that it has brought me physically.  I have such a long way to go and I know it will be a long journey but I also know I have many good people by my side.

I completed my first parkrun since the accident (5 weeks tomorrow) today and did it with ease.  The feeling to be back out there was incredible and the support was phenomenal.  I can't begin to describe the joy it has brought me to be back out there doing what I love even if it's not quite how I want.  Seeing people reduced to tears being told my story by the Run director made my heart melt that so many people who don't even know me do care.

I will have some humps to get over, some that I've only discovered in the last couple of days and will follow through with my specialists next week but all in all I'm travelling pretty well for someone who probably shouldn't be here.  Thanks again everyone for your support it really does keep me going.

Signing out

Donna Xo

Gift from an Angel

Day 31

Today I received a gift that reduced me beyond tears.  I was offered enough money to get my bike fixed and my clothes replaced.  I've never accepted any financial gift in all my life, it was uncomfortable and yet somewhat freeing at the same time.

Not a lot of words were spoken, just a promise to somehow pay If forward when I'm mentally & financially able.  I think anyone that knows me knows I will.  Somehow it will end up with someone that needs it more than me.  In the meantime I will use it for my bike and clothes and get myself well again.  

This will hopefully have me back in training in no time.  I'm sure it will make the healing process quicker.

Today won't be a long post like yesterday.  I'm feeling really unwell, physically & emotionally drained from the last two days. I'll check in again tomorrow but today I must rest. 

Donna Xo

Fitness Australia Awards

Day 30

I blogged yesterday about the presentations for Fitness Australia and how well it went and how it was a lovely morning.  The truth is that's not really how I felt.  I am still yet to have a conversation with someone from that "non profit" organisation  (they are very quick to remind me that they are a non-profit organisation) and an 'official apology' for their behaviour has not been forthcoming.  They had specific guidelines regarding the topic of PTSD and yet they didn't adhere to them, making me feel terribly uncomfortable and in most of the footage I was fighting back tears (I think to a degree that's what they wanted).  At the end of the day its all about the $.  Even in conversations I heard throughout the day, it was about business,  balance sheets and the almighty dollar.  Not one conversation about what living with Arthritis is like, PTSD or if I had any idea (I have many) about what I feel would be a good way moving forward and how people like me could be better supported, after all only someone actually experiencing living with this knows what its like. 

Most of it was about Business, to be honest in the end I just shut off and stopped listening, they say the are a body full of purely volunteers, yet all run businesses aligned within the fitness industry and all stand to gain a better business profile because of it. (doesn't take a genius to figure that one out)

A true volunteer I see is someone who gives up hours and hours of their time, with no hidden agenda, nothing to gain.  Anything else (nothing wrong with wanting to do better for yourself, your business or support your family) really isn't a volunteer.  So Fitness Australia hiding behind the word "we volunteer" isn't really volunteering in the true sense of the word, there is financial gain sought and each one is linked with a business.

A lot more of my experience with that particular organisation to come (or should I say lack of it).  I am glad that my trainer now has an opportunity to advance her profile should she want to I believe the local paper has already got hold of a story and I truly hope she gets a lot of business out of it, also her trip to go with her State and National Award.  I hope she gets a lot out of that too.

I'm not feeling so great about someone getting money off catering (it wasn't a small amount either) when there is a lot of other good use that money could have gone too.  If they didn't want to be seen "paying" for my story I would have graciously taken that money to provide much needed equipment to be able to help the running I volunteer at and am currently a session leader or that amount of money could have paid for 6 months use at the public track.

I'm not going to say that I feel great about everybody getting something out of my personal very painful story bar me.  (As I said I didn't expect anything, but it is a kick in the guts when someone gets a catering bill paid all because you went through so much pain and suffering I do feel that was too much, certainly, given how hard it was for me to get there (an offer of a taxi would have made my life so much easier as I cant drive due to a broken neck), but again it was all about the 'look' it definitely wasn't about the little people, I was overlooked at every turn.  It was like I didn't exist.

I have always brought my kids up to be selfless and I believe anyone that knows me knows I am probably the most selfless person you will ever meet, always quick to do for others even if it means I suffer financially or emotionally.

I do see this as an opportunity (given the way it was so poorly handled) to show my children that there comes a point where you can be too giving.  You can give to others to such a point that your own health, mental health and financial status can suffer.  This experience has set me back and made me feel so much less of a person.  I don't want the corporate world to win and they wont pretend I don't exist either.  They forgot I'm human with the ability to write and very well if I may say so myself (hence the State and National Award, it was judged by the written application), so I can write whatever the hell I want and they cant edit it or hide behind some contract I apparently signed (one of those ridiculous you cant proceed with your application until you click yes).

So from now on I am putting myself first, my partner of 25 years and my 3 beautiful kids second.  My studies and my run club.  They will be my focus from now on and I will take on my rehab myself and my training for my ironman. 

I would like to think the fact that I have always been such a selfless person is the reason my therapist came into my life.  I know this will pass, and I will be able to process and make sense of all this.  She is the one person in my life that has truly given me herself, without gain, without judgement and without expectations, and for that reason, knowing the hours of work each week she puts into helping me move forward and be the best person I can be I'm absolutely not letting this get the better of me.  I've been through far worse in my life and I know if she sticks this out with me, everyone that was at the award presentation will be catching flies their mouths will be that wide open seeing just how bloody amazing I am.

Sorry to my readers for the doom and gloom post but writing is very cathartic and I need to start rehab so I don't want to carry this around with me.

I'll try and make my next post a silly one.

Donna xoxo 

In my corner

Day 30

This morning was pretty special.  My trainer won not only Victoria's active Achievers award but the National Award as well. I had written a nomination when I was very unwell with severe symptoms of PTSD. We had a nice morning tea with the presentations and I was filmed and asked questions regarding my training with Belinda.

I'm not going to lie I'm really glad it's over it was a little much.  Very emotional and a bit too much in one day with a broken neck.  I'm happy for Belinda, and I hope she enjoys her fitness trip that she was given for all her hard work.  I can't think of anyone more deserving.

Right now at this moment in time, I feel I have one person truly in my corner and that's my therapist. Right now she's the only person I feel expects nothing from me.  I feel like she's the only one who knows how hard what I'm going through is.  The broken neck is nothing, the PTSD is wearing me down.  I feel vunerable, frightened and alone.  So I'm working on my safe place.  I have one, it's just a matter of expanding on what I already have.

So that's my homework from therapy today and what I need to work on til Friday.  I don't want to do anything from now til Friday, no calls, no e-mails, no visitors.  Just rest and time alone to recouperate and recover and come back stronger so hopefully I'll be ready for rehabilitation by 19th.

Just before I sign off, if you should ever read this, thank you %^* (my therapist) for taking me on the way you did when you knew I had completely run out of options.  The easiest thing would have been to walk away.  No-one wanted to help me or had the faith, resources or selflessness to take me on except you.  Thank you.  With all my heart.

I'm not crazy, just special

Donna. Xo

Where to from here

DAY 28

I haven't written in my blog for a couple of days, see the truth is on the outside I look good, very positive and healthy seem to be in really good spirits.  Most people were surprised how quickly I have been able to bounce back and get back into the daily grind of life, cooking, cleaning, dusting, hosting kids birthday parties, baking cakes and organising kids sleepovers, keeping up with friends.  This was back to normal really by week 3 after the accident. 

Truth is inside I've been terrible, thoughts racing again, mind just wont slow down, terrible dreams. The measly 2-3 hrs sleep each day I've had since the accident, sometimes flashbacks sometimes just crazy shit I cant make sense of because there is no meaning behind them, but still they leave me exhausted.  Every day the same thing, and I'm expected to do the right thing and get up and function normally and do my daily tasks. 

This is the hardest challenge I've had yet, see I'm pretty competitive (mostly with myself I don't like racing) but the PTSD and now adding a broken neck I'm just finding it really hard to keep smiling and laughing when inside it hurts so much.  I just want to rest.  Yes, because I have a broken neck but also because I just don't want to fight the PTSD anymore.  I got through Friday as horrible as it was but I don't want to do another Sunday.  Especially as Friday was so hard.  I got through it, cried and cried after I had met a friend to find out about starting up a fundraiser for PTSD on the hopes that I could get some funds together to raise some money to start up some group sessions in my local area.  Turns out there is an association already set up so ill be looking into ways I can help the organisation in the future.  I believe that's why I am still here and the cycling accident didn't kill me.  I believe that I can help others that are finding it as hard as what I do and don't know where to turn.

I've just been so fortunate.  I cant say too much but months of trying to find a trauma therapist, being told time and time again different ones couldn't help me, the ones that could were far too expensive, mainly because we have other health issues that require life saving medicine that are considered more of a priority.    Regardless, I am still here and I believe that there is a reason that I am.  So my plan is to make good use of whatever time I have left and try my hardest to make change.  Changes within myself and hopefully changes across the world. I refuse to believe its impossible.

I have to go out tomorrow to buy a new pair of running pants and a top. Nothing fits me from the pre-accident me. Its all way too tight now.  I'm sitting here thinking to myself, what am I going to do next time I hear a bottle being crushed for the recycle bin.  See, truth is i'm very likely to completely lose my shit.  Cause that's what PTSD does, it takes away the ability to tolerate things that shouldn't matter.  But they do, they send the worst feeling through your entire body to the point you think you cant possibly take anymore.  I have all this therapy homework, I often think I didn't do this to myself so why should I have to do homework.  Then the rational me kicks in, one that's not overwhelmed with emotions that I cant deal with, noises that are just too loud and pain that feels a little too much right now.  The pain meds are just too much, I don't want to take anymore.  I cant function properly on these high doses.

They have made me go back on the PTSD medication too. I had to go off it because the hospital tried to kill me. No, I'm not being melodramatic they gave me two medications that combined put you in a coma. Lexpro mixed with tramadol causes coma and death. bahahaha i'm still here.  Silly doctors have no idea how bloody strong I am.  I'm glad i'm back writing but I will leave it there for now.  My neck is sore and I am very tired and cranky (yes I do get very cranky).

Til tomorrow

Donna xo

Crossroads

Day 25

I've heard all about this crossroads thingy, quite frankly I've never particularly believe it existed.  I've always thought it was  just an excuse to end a marriage or perhaps an excuse not finish a project or even leave a job you just don't want to do  (and there is nothing wrong with any of those things if your life is at a standstill and you are struggling to find something you can be passionate about) .  But the truth is I'm starting to think there may actually be something to this.  I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroad in my life right now.

I feel I'm at a point in my life where things I thought I wanted I'm no longer as passionate about and things I never thought I would have the confidence to pursue I want to dive in head first at (I mean really, I couldn't possibly end up any more injured than what I already am. Right?

My plans for the most part are still the same (with very slight time adjustments because of the accident setting me back slightly).  I will finish all my studies that I am booked in for by the end of 2018. 

I will finish my Certificate IV in Weight Management and become an Accredited Weight Management Practitioner by the end of 2018.  I will also complete my Level 2 intermediate Run Coach by the end of this month.

What's different is what I plan on doing with the accreditations.  I had always thought it was to help me with my general knowledge and I may somewhere down the track use my knowledge in a general way in my own life.  That is not how I feel about it all now.  Its not about money, see for me that has never been a driving factor (despite needing it and it coming in handy with 3 children) its the thought that I can use all this to help other people.  Even typing about it now I have tingles going down my spine. I want to help as many people as I can and change their lives so they are able to live healthier, happier lives because of what I have to pass on.

I don't want to overcomplicate it with a lot of fancy scientific wording, hell I'd never heard of quinoa 18 months ago and could never pronounce it properly.  I still struggle with some of the herbs and grains.  I want to keep it real remembering the place where i started and that feeling of being extremely vunerable. To be able to write up meal plans for people who don't have basic nutrition knowledge and to be able to incorporate a written walk/run cardio plan so that the cost for the client is kept to minimum makes me excited about life again.

The thought of being qualified and insured to coach both adults but also children in the basic fundamentals of running right through to writing up a marathon training plan makes me smile.  To be able to run clinics to give people the opportunity to experience something they otherwise may not and lets not forget the sense of community running brings.  In my experience it has a level of companionship and comradery I haven't seen in another sport.

The ironman is probably the most important aspect of my recovery (my therapist would probably disagree) but each day even now (its 3.14am) I cant wait to start writing.  I watch the clock sometimes waiting for it to be 24hours so I can make a new entry without bugging my readers too much with overkill.

I just love to write and exercise.  Two things that keep me well and passionate about living.  With the ironman, I can incorporate all the things I really enjoy, while still being able to pursue my weight management consultancy business and also conduct some running sessions and even write up some training programs for clients with future runs in their sights.

Finding my love for writing again, combine with that fire in my belly to complete a half ironman in 2018 will no doubt bring me my fair share of obstacles and I myself, am still in the process of healing from CPTSD, but i do believe that all this will help me to push for changes within the Mental Health Care System, the Hospital system and Medicare itself because all are clearly broken just like me, but like anything that's broken, it has the capacity to heal itself given the right path to go on.

I believe I have the knowledge and the voice to push for some much needed changes.  I believe that these are all significant goals but also achievable.

On a side note, I shed some tears yesterday (ok a lot) I was informed (I wasn't aware i had been nominated) that I had received a number of votes and ultimately won a Tailwind Nutrition Australia Community Spirit Award.  The write up stated i won it for quote 'her amazing strength after her accident, sharing her story, remaining incredibly positive continuing to volunteer and for dealing with the incident with a wicked sense of humor'.

Let me just say the other nominees were truly incredible people and I am just so honored to have been nominated along side them.

I need some rest before i tackle breakfast and a morning walk.

Donna xo

What keeps me going

What keeps someone wanting to get out of bed that has severe injuries? A fractured neck, broken first rib, bumps & bruises everywhere, aches and pains in places they didn't know existed, ruined sinuses.....shall I keep going?......Ok, CPTSD, disassociation, disorganised attachment, torn labrum both side on the left hip.  The thought of long and painful physical therapy, possible hip surgery down the track and long term therapy for PTSD and it's symptoms?

 YOU!  That's what keeps me going each and every day and it brings a smile to my face as I read the most beautifully written pieces of encouragement and I have them printed & stuck on my fridge, my bedside table, my bathroom.  Everywhere I go you all remind me I'm important and that my life is definately worth fighting for and that people recognise how hard I'm trying and how much strength this is taking.  I couldn't possibly do this without each and every one of you.

I won't publish names but I am going to show you the most amazing messages I receive every single day & this is just a tiny portion of them!

I am crying. Big, unashamed tears for you and I. I was in a bike wreck last week Saturday and I was blessed enough to be "ok" (my face will be scarred but I wasn't that cute anyways lol!) and other abrasions that will heal, but I was cleared in a few hours by the ER. No broken bones, no bleeding on the brain. I'm crying because it could of been much worse for both of us, and I'm glad we were so blessed in our moments. I'm also glad to have this sport to focus on. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and we will find a way to deal with our issues. Heal fast, and I will be cheering for you! November is around the corner, and that half will be waiting for you!ing, carrying things I shouldn't using my arm with the healing clavicle... and then I realize meh, maybe I shouldn't have tried to lift that if I didn't need to.  I totally get trying... and I totally get why we shouldn't.  And by the way, for me, finding a comfortable place to sleep and actually getting decent sleep was awesome.  I can't wait until I can comfortably sleep in my bed, but until my rib heals a bit better, the couch is where it's at.

Thank you for sharing your story, your bravery and tenacity are inspiring. Best of luck.

Every step of my run (hopefully on Saturday- fingers crossed🤞🏾🤞🏾) will be focused on you and people like you who fight mental challenges and still show up every day!

Thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery!  Can't wait to read your success blog about finisihing that HIM!  Attitude is everything!

Oh my gosh I love your can do attitude. I the most lovely pathetic type of way you are tackling this. Ha don't let this get you down! Keep healing!

Just read your blog, very powerful! You're lucky to be alive! With your attitude, I know you'll be back to training as soon as you can

Donna, my "injury buddy".  I know it sucks.  You're definitely worse off than me with the injuries... I'm sure that neck brace is driving you insane.  I know that I'm irritated at having to wear the sling for my broken clavicle all the time.  I can't exercise, so I lay down on the ground to see if I could do sit-ups at least, but just laying down on the hard ground was too painful for my healing broken rib.  For me it's been 5 weeks this Saturday... and I go back to the doctor next week for an x-ray to see if I'm ready to start physical therapy.  I'm nervous he's going to tell me I'm not ready or something, or he'll say I need to keep the sling on for longer.  I'm going stir crazy around here, I'm eating badly, gaining weight, getting out of shape, not sleeping well, not working well, etc.  I know it must be extremely difficult for you since you've got more extensive injuries, and you're dealing with PTSD as well.  I'm with Michael though... 3 weeks will go by in no time, right?  You can do it!  Just keep coming back here to help you get through it!

Donna I've been thinking of you every day since the accident. The blessing of the freedom to get out and get moving has been forefront of my mind in all my runs and walks this week. Wishing you a full recovery, in body and mind, and I can't wait to be swimming and running with you again very soon. xx

Wow what challenges you have been through.. keep strong .. 🏃 will think of you during the Blackmores tomorrow 😄

Oh my goodness!! Sending you love positivity and healing vibes... will be thinking of you on my next run x

These are a few of the 100's & 100's of comments all full of encouragement.  You are all wonderful people to embrace and support so freely someone you don't really know.  Each and every one of you is special to me.  There aren't words that would express how I really feel and thank you is simply not enough.

Feeling very loved tonight

Donna Xoxo

The real cost of the Accident

It's rare I would post 2 blog entries in one day as it can be hard to find topics to write about but this is on my mind and making me mad so I need to write about it NOW!  Writing about it in this blog is a much healthier way of coping with it than the other things I have in mind believe me.  I sat at the table last night before dinner (it's now 3.52am) and realised I threw out most of my receipts for medicines as I just haven't been fully with it and with my son having his 16th Birthday party last weekend things were thrown out in a haste to tidy up.

So this all got me thinking, this plus all the conversations and e-mails with my local council and TAC, Melbourne Water yet to come and on and on it goes, what is the true cost of this accident going to be?  What will be the costs associated with getting me back in training on my bike, rehabilitation, strength work etc. If I am to hire professionals and do it properly as apposed to doing it myself how much will all this cost?

So, I added up what receipts I'd managed to keep for medications so far and that totalled $352.70.  Other than that there was like $40.00 (I think) in parking costs at the hospital.  So, so far we have got off pretty lightly for around $392.70.  Pretty good considering the enormity of the injuries.  So that go me thinking even further down the track as to what sort of expenses ill be looking at so here is a very rough breakdown at what I believe this accident will cost.  I obviously cant put a $ figure on the stress and emotional impact that it has had on the family as this is just too much to think of right now.

These are purely estimates and guesses as to what I may need looking forward.  I have tried to be on the cautious side and I am assuming everything goes smoothly and to plan (which we all know in the real world never happens)

Medications current and future:  $800.00

Car Park costs at hospital $100.00

Replacing the brand clothes that were cut off me in trauma bay in emergency: $290.00

Breakdown of these were 2XU Bike Pants, Long Adidas lycra pants, Nike crop top, Nike florescent T-Shirt. Most of these were purchased on clearance from Uni Hill Factory Outlet and were at reduced costs.

Helmet: This was completely ruined (the foam lining was split in two) so replacement $120.00

Bike: No idea at this stage but it is quite damaged.  I am saying its half of the cost to replace the bike as it was only 12 months old, had only been ridden a handful of times and cost well over $1,000 at full price.  Cost to repair: $500.00

physiotherapy: 4 sessions will be covered under Medicare then averaging $135.00 per visit so over 6 months stretching out the appointments as much as I can I would guess $1,080.00

It has been recommended that I get regular massage to help with muscles as they regain some strength and also for stress. I have been advised that having my legs and lower back done will help with the extra load they are carrying to support the broken neck and rib cage. I have sourced out 2 that will do it for an extremely cheap price and assuming I also stretch appointments out as much as I can and only get 1 each month (it was recommended to have 2 each week) I would be looking at

$600.00 out of pocket costs.

Pool sessions and medically guided class (1 class each week) for rehabilitation $18.90 p/w so assuming it take me the same time to heal as most others it will be 6 months $$453.60.

Personal Trainer for strength work (this is something I will only do with a qualified trainer given the boy that died this week in a gym bench pressing without a trainer and I would not be confident with my neck on my own.  2 30min sessions each week. $1,680.00.

Therapy. Up to 10 sessions per calendar year then $135.00 p/w for 6 months treating symptoms of CPTSD.  $2,700.00.

This is a total of expenses for 6 months to fix everything, replace what's broken, including my head, and remain semi pain-free (not sure that's going to be very easy).

TOTAL $7,870.00

Breaking it down to weekly costs for 6 months $302.69 Per Week out of pocket costs. 

How do I put a $ on stress, loss of income with my partner on carers leave, inability to drive for at least 6 weeks (find out more on 19th October) and the fact that I cant get my daughter to her final exams unless I spend $$$ on bus fares (around $35 p/w x 3 kids so $75.00 p/w) and the stress knowing how much extra pressure that puts on her being a 3 hour round trip to school and back.

The irony is if I walk out my front door and a car runs over my foot that is entering on the road (even if its when it shouldn't be) I am covered for my out of pocket medical costs.

How does this happen in our lucky country?

Whittlesea City Council shame on you, all I wanted was my bike fixed (max $500.00) and you made me feel guilty that (a) according to you I was travelling too fast despite there being no signage for speed recommendations or limits, warnings that there are bends and rocks 5cm off the path, not to mention the overgrowth that was on the path itself where I had the accident.

Why is this my fault when had the rock not been there, yes I still would have had the accident but without the long term horrific injuries.

No wonder I cant bloody sleep!!!!

Signing off before I literally start having angry smoke coming out my ears.

Donna xo

Survived Monday

Day 23

I survived Monday.  Not quite sure how so I'm unable to share, but I did.  Pretty happy with that considering how terrible I felt.  I can honestly tell you that physically by far yesterday was the worst I've felt since the accident 23 days ago (perhaps other than the initial impact).

My eyes are aching.  I can't breathe out of my nose.  It huts to breath in to achieve anything that remotely resembles a proper breath.  My neck hasn't been that painful until today.  I don't know how to describe it to you other than to say that it feels like someone has taken a baseball bat and whacked me at the back of the head with it.  Not to mention the sores in my dry mouth and the skin that's been rubbed off from the brace.  My neck seems abnormally swollen which means the brace is incredibly uncomfortable.

My head is thumping.  My legs, in particular my hips, ache like I would assume they are meant to at 99, not 43.  I'm not going to blog about how wonderful my life is and how grateful u am to be alive, I shouldn't have to, and those that know and love me know I would never decide to be full of self pity.  But I can't help it.  It's to the point I can't get comfortable sitting up, lying down.  Standing is the best option with the least snout of pain it's just Turing standing up all day.

A girlfriend called in to say hello as she was overseas when she heard the news.  Truth is I just wanted her back and thought this would be a good way to get her attention.  Turns out all I needed to do was buy a grand final ticket.  Go figure!

I guarantee tomorrow will be better and if not I'll be going back to hospital because I really do feel quite ill.

I didn't start EDMR.  Too much crazyvshit talk happening today by me.

To a much brighter day tomorrow and many more fabulous days ahead.

Your creatively insane blogger. 🕙

Donna Xo

Return to the Scene

Day 22

I went for a walk last night, met a girl I had just recently met at the run club and we were heading off for approximately a 5km walk.  We met at the track so we could have walked around it 10-15 times but scenery on a longer walk is so much better.  I decided I would take her on a 5km loop (which in the end was almost 7km) and without even blinking an eye I headed off to the bike track where I broke my neck 22 days ago.  It's almost like I was meant to go that way.  No questions asked, no hesitation, not even a nervous feeling, I'm not sure I really thought much about it at all.

We got to the scene and Sarah asked how it happened so I re-lived it through story and visual expression as best I could, still not facing the enormity of what had happened there only 2 weeks earlier.  It's like I just shut down.  I've done that all my life when I feel threatened. I just turn off completely.   I don't want to tell my therapist that I'm struggling because if I do she may not try EDMR therapy.  I'm petrified of not getting better.

Every time I try and close my eyes I can feel my body tensing in anticipation for a fear that just isn't there.  It's not real.  That's when you really feel like you going mad and loosing the battle.  When the night takes over your body and your mind gives up the fight.  I love Mondays because they bring me hope that I can be well but I also hate Mondays because they remind me that I am sick.  That I was very sick even before the damn accident.  Mondays also mean I have to work really hard and be honest.  Honest with my therapist and honest with myself.  It's really hard and it hurts.

I'm allowed to be scared and it should be without judgment because what I'm going through emotionally is 1,000 times worse than the broken neck.  Give me a broken damn neck any day, just take away this damn PTSD!  Please just get rid of it.  This morning I will make sure I do some homework as promised last week and continue to work through why this happens to me every Friday & Sunday.  My therapist told me the mind can protect itself but the body still remembers.

I don't know if I'd rather be numb again and feel nothing at all and be isolated or continue forward with bumps and scratches but have true connections with people and a life that includes hurt and vulnerability.

Today I'm working towards writing some guest pieces for some magazines so I'll need a couple of hours sleep first.

It's currently 6.38am.

Sweet dreams to me,

Crazy blogger.
Donna Xo

Start Again

 

Day 21

I was so excited to tell you all this it's actually borderline creepy, but here goes.....wait for it.....I actually managed some sleep last night.  I think around 5 hours.  I woke up first thing this morning feeling like a complete new person.  Felt amazing.  I felt like I had so much to live for and life at the moment can be viewed as horrible or viewed as a fresh start where I can forgive myself for my past mistakes and look to making every day the best possible day it can be no matter what the obstacles in my way.

How good is that for a positive attitude hey?  I was most impressed with myself so I made my daughter and I a beautiful low sugar home made granola bowl with greek yoghurt and fresh fruit and my two beautiful boys some hash browns with bacon.  Even the fact that 21 days in I can cook a nice breakfast for my kids and even smell the wonderful smell that is coming out of the kitchen is making me incredibly happy.  So happy.

I decided it was too nice to stay indoors so I walked the 2km round trip to the local supermarket but the walk, plus carrying bags took way too much out of me.  I made some lunch which was yummy, a nice chickpea, bean and vegetable concoction (I tend to make things up as I go these days, I don't rely on recipes anymore).  I was feeling good but I start to feel overwhelmed and upset for no reason and I wasn't sure if it was the PTSD, the accident and the injuries mixed with strong pain relief or purely me feeling sorry for myself with no good reason to as it was a good morning.

I think it was the PTSD.  I can recognise the feelings a lot more now and I can feel how it makes my body feel.  Plain horrible.  Like I'm trapped and there is no escape.  I'm stuck in my own skin and i want to get out.  My muscles ache and I'm tired but wide awake at the same time.  I am practicing lots of grounding techniques that I am learning in therapy and it works. If all goes well tomorrow I think I am going to start some basic EDMR which I am really hoping helps me just that little bit more so I feel more in control when those awful feelings come up.

I had a sleep today, on top of the 5 hours last night I had another hour this afternoon.  That's got to be a record for me.  I'm staying with the positives and remembering how good I felt at the start of the day.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I ended up walking 7kms tonight with a run club friend (she came all the way to my place so we could walk together), these people have been so kind and are really helping me to recover.  I want to get out of bed, out of the neck brace, training again, step out of my comfort zone and run some sessions as a coach.  These are all good for me moving forward.

I'll leave you with the real reason the hospital kicked me out so quickly after fracturing my neck and breaking my rib.  See the truth is, I was causing just a little bit of chaos.  When 72 year old Margaret (also with a fractured vertebra) started bed hopping with Connie and even jumped in Connie's bed instead of explaining to her that she had the wrong bed, I said I think it might be her bed and perhaps the nurse has put Connie in the wrong bed after a toilet break (this was not the case as Connie was completely fine and it was definitely her bed!) and I just wanted to stir some shit up.  So I sat back and grabbed some popcorn (ok that's an exaggeration as they didn't have popcorn the nurse did buy me a chocolate bar though (true story) and watched the show.  They were rolling in the bed together and Connie was trying to show her where her bed was but I was with Margaret, I think Connie and the nurse got it wrong and she should fight for her bed back.  Most entertainment I've had for a very long time.

Tomorrow I cant wait to see my therapist and learn some new strategies for healing an I also plan on working on my meal plan and ironman training plan.  Woo Hoo!!!!!!!

Stay well

Stay safe

Your insanely crazy blogger

Donna xo