It's funny (not in a literal sense but how I think I'm chancing. My breakdown, the CPTSD (that I'll never get rid of) and the accident has changed me. I get discharged on the 20th, PARC has been kind to me, it's been I place to go to when I just couldn't have been at home, I couldn't have really been anywhere but here or in hospital. I struggle with the fact that I'm different, I sit with terrible feelings now and emotions but I've just changed so much.
The fear going home is overwhelming, the OHP group, ive attended, 1:1 have been changed or pushed back but not because I haven't wanted it. I struggle with the meds side of things, not sure how on earth I'm meant to live like this, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I haven't really had visitors, my family came in once, my beautiful friend Mara just wouldn't take no for an answer, I've received only a couple of calls and that's hard, I felt like even at my sickest I work so hard on my realationshps.
I'm nervous, anxious, frightened and still very overwhelmed. I just want to becwell. Now the horrible haunting thoughts have gone I want an opportunity to begin to live again and some days I feel like I just won't ever be well enough and the shit won't be big enough to have a significant change. Having always exercised to stay well that even in itself feels impossible and I'm not sure I have the strength left to do what I need to in order to heal properly.
PARC staff are all lovely, of corse I have my favourites but I'm not sharing (you never know who reads blogs these days. I have to believe I can get and stay well but realistically I'm not certain it's even possible. I've met some people in here I feel I'll keep in touch with, I've connected in some way with all of the residents.
One lady made a comment yesterday that I'm too happy to be here & not depressed enough. That's how I cope, with a smile and some humour. I just can't possibly keep on the cycle (no pun intended) and stay well. It's just not possible.
Today it's quiet but I will be back & forth with basketball games then it's meeting after meeting. My head feel like it's going to explode. I'm not sure I have the strength left to start again, I'm really, not even sure that re-connecting with my community will help. Let's just wait and see what today brings.
Signing off
Donna Xo
Donna
ReplyDeleteThe hardest fact about survivorship is coming to grips with the fact that this is your new reality. That isn’t a bad thing because you can shape your new life anyway you want. The only comparison I know is when I was diagnosed with cancer. Once I heard that diagnosis, my live was never the same again. There is BC and AC...before and after Cancer. Such is the same with your situation, you need to accept that this new chapter is survival. The trick is to figure out through cognitive behaviour therapy how to become mentally strong first and then physically strong. I know it all seems new and scary but the more you learn to live within this new parameter, the better and stronger you will be in the long run.
Sending you big frosty hugs from 🇨🇦
❤️
I'm sorry too that you had to go through that but it doesn't sound to me like it's been a negative in your life. Keep inspiring others Xo
DeleteAs always thanks my beautiful friend. I'm convinced we will meet some day. We don't need to have met for me to feel I have a super strong connection with you Xo. And I understand everything your saying 💕💕
ReplyDelete