Day 21
I was so excited to tell you all this it's actually borderline creepy, but here goes.....wait for it.....I actually managed some sleep last night. I think around 5 hours. I woke up first thing this morning feeling like a complete new person. Felt amazing. I felt like I had so much to live for and life at the moment can be viewed as horrible or viewed as a fresh start where I can forgive myself for my past mistakes and look to making every day the best possible day it can be no matter what the obstacles in my way.
How good is that for a positive attitude hey? I was most impressed with myself so I made my daughter and I a beautiful low sugar home made granola bowl with greek yoghurt and fresh fruit and my two beautiful boys some hash browns with bacon. Even the fact that 21 days in I can cook a nice breakfast for my kids and even smell the wonderful smell that is coming out of the kitchen is making me incredibly happy. So happy.
I decided it was too nice to stay indoors so I walked the 2km round trip to the local supermarket but the walk, plus carrying bags took way too much out of me. I made some lunch which was yummy, a nice chickpea, bean and vegetable concoction (I tend to make things up as I go these days, I don't rely on recipes anymore). I was feeling good but I start to feel overwhelmed and upset for no reason and I wasn't sure if it was the PTSD, the accident and the injuries mixed with strong pain relief or purely me feeling sorry for myself with no good reason to as it was a good morning.
I think it was the PTSD. I can recognise the feelings a lot more now and I can feel how it makes my body feel. Plain horrible. Like I'm trapped and there is no escape. I'm stuck in my own skin and i want to get out. My muscles ache and I'm tired but wide awake at the same time. I am practicing lots of grounding techniques that I am learning in therapy and it works. If all goes well tomorrow I think I am going to start some basic EDMR which I am really hoping helps me just that little bit more so I feel more in control when those awful feelings come up.
I had a sleep today, on top of the 5 hours last night I had another hour this afternoon. That's got to be a record for me. I'm staying with the positives and remembering how good I felt at the start of the day. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I ended up walking 7kms tonight with a run club friend (she came all the way to my place so we could walk together), these people have been so kind and are really helping me to recover. I want to get out of bed, out of the neck brace, training again, step out of my comfort zone and run some sessions as a coach. These are all good for me moving forward.
I'll leave you with the real reason the hospital kicked me out so quickly after fracturing my neck and breaking my rib. See the truth is, I was causing just a little bit of chaos. When 72 year old Margaret (also with a fractured vertebra) started bed hopping with Connie and even jumped in Connie's bed instead of explaining to her that she had the wrong bed, I said I think it might be her bed and perhaps the nurse has put Connie in the wrong bed after a toilet break (this was not the case as Connie was completely fine and it was definitely her bed!) and I just wanted to stir some shit up. So I sat back and grabbed some popcorn (ok that's an exaggeration as they didn't have popcorn the nurse did buy me a chocolate bar though (true story) and watched the show. They were rolling in the bed together and Connie was trying to show her where her bed was but I was with Margaret, I think Connie and the nurse got it wrong and she should fight for her bed back. Most entertainment I've had for a very long time.
Tomorrow I cant wait to see my therapist and learn some new strategies for healing an I also plan on working on my meal plan and ironman training plan. Woo Hoo!!!!!!!
Stay well
Stay safe
Your insanely crazy blogger
Donna xo
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