Where to from here

DAY 28

I haven't written in my blog for a couple of days, see the truth is on the outside I look good, very positive and healthy seem to be in really good spirits.  Most people were surprised how quickly I have been able to bounce back and get back into the daily grind of life, cooking, cleaning, dusting, hosting kids birthday parties, baking cakes and organising kids sleepovers, keeping up with friends.  This was back to normal really by week 3 after the accident. 

Truth is inside I've been terrible, thoughts racing again, mind just wont slow down, terrible dreams. The measly 2-3 hrs sleep each day I've had since the accident, sometimes flashbacks sometimes just crazy shit I cant make sense of because there is no meaning behind them, but still they leave me exhausted.  Every day the same thing, and I'm expected to do the right thing and get up and function normally and do my daily tasks. 

This is the hardest challenge I've had yet, see I'm pretty competitive (mostly with myself I don't like racing) but the PTSD and now adding a broken neck I'm just finding it really hard to keep smiling and laughing when inside it hurts so much.  I just want to rest.  Yes, because I have a broken neck but also because I just don't want to fight the PTSD anymore.  I got through Friday as horrible as it was but I don't want to do another Sunday.  Especially as Friday was so hard.  I got through it, cried and cried after I had met a friend to find out about starting up a fundraiser for PTSD on the hopes that I could get some funds together to raise some money to start up some group sessions in my local area.  Turns out there is an association already set up so ill be looking into ways I can help the organisation in the future.  I believe that's why I am still here and the cycling accident didn't kill me.  I believe that I can help others that are finding it as hard as what I do and don't know where to turn.

I've just been so fortunate.  I cant say too much but months of trying to find a trauma therapist, being told time and time again different ones couldn't help me, the ones that could were far too expensive, mainly because we have other health issues that require life saving medicine that are considered more of a priority.    Regardless, I am still here and I believe that there is a reason that I am.  So my plan is to make good use of whatever time I have left and try my hardest to make change.  Changes within myself and hopefully changes across the world. I refuse to believe its impossible.

I have to go out tomorrow to buy a new pair of running pants and a top. Nothing fits me from the pre-accident me. Its all way too tight now.  I'm sitting here thinking to myself, what am I going to do next time I hear a bottle being crushed for the recycle bin.  See, truth is i'm very likely to completely lose my shit.  Cause that's what PTSD does, it takes away the ability to tolerate things that shouldn't matter.  But they do, they send the worst feeling through your entire body to the point you think you cant possibly take anymore.  I have all this therapy homework, I often think I didn't do this to myself so why should I have to do homework.  Then the rational me kicks in, one that's not overwhelmed with emotions that I cant deal with, noises that are just too loud and pain that feels a little too much right now.  The pain meds are just too much, I don't want to take anymore.  I cant function properly on these high doses.

They have made me go back on the PTSD medication too. I had to go off it because the hospital tried to kill me. No, I'm not being melodramatic they gave me two medications that combined put you in a coma. Lexpro mixed with tramadol causes coma and death. bahahaha i'm still here.  Silly doctors have no idea how bloody strong I am.  I'm glad i'm back writing but I will leave it there for now.  My neck is sore and I am very tired and cranky (yes I do get very cranky).

Til tomorrow

Donna xo