Fitness Australia Awards

Day 30

I blogged yesterday about the presentations for Fitness Australia and how well it went and how it was a lovely morning.  The truth is that's not really how I felt.  I am still yet to have a conversation with someone from that "non profit" organisation  (they are very quick to remind me that they are a non-profit organisation) and an 'official apology' for their behaviour has not been forthcoming.  They had specific guidelines regarding the topic of PTSD and yet they didn't adhere to them, making me feel terribly uncomfortable and in most of the footage I was fighting back tears (I think to a degree that's what they wanted).  At the end of the day its all about the $.  Even in conversations I heard throughout the day, it was about business,  balance sheets and the almighty dollar.  Not one conversation about what living with Arthritis is like, PTSD or if I had any idea (I have many) about what I feel would be a good way moving forward and how people like me could be better supported, after all only someone actually experiencing living with this knows what its like. 

Most of it was about Business, to be honest in the end I just shut off and stopped listening, they say the are a body full of purely volunteers, yet all run businesses aligned within the fitness industry and all stand to gain a better business profile because of it. (doesn't take a genius to figure that one out)

A true volunteer I see is someone who gives up hours and hours of their time, with no hidden agenda, nothing to gain.  Anything else (nothing wrong with wanting to do better for yourself, your business or support your family) really isn't a volunteer.  So Fitness Australia hiding behind the word "we volunteer" isn't really volunteering in the true sense of the word, there is financial gain sought and each one is linked with a business.

A lot more of my experience with that particular organisation to come (or should I say lack of it).  I am glad that my trainer now has an opportunity to advance her profile should she want to I believe the local paper has already got hold of a story and I truly hope she gets a lot of business out of it, also her trip to go with her State and National Award.  I hope she gets a lot out of that too.

I'm not feeling so great about someone getting money off catering (it wasn't a small amount either) when there is a lot of other good use that money could have gone too.  If they didn't want to be seen "paying" for my story I would have graciously taken that money to provide much needed equipment to be able to help the running I volunteer at and am currently a session leader or that amount of money could have paid for 6 months use at the public track.

I'm not going to say that I feel great about everybody getting something out of my personal very painful story bar me.  (As I said I didn't expect anything, but it is a kick in the guts when someone gets a catering bill paid all because you went through so much pain and suffering I do feel that was too much, certainly, given how hard it was for me to get there (an offer of a taxi would have made my life so much easier as I cant drive due to a broken neck), but again it was all about the 'look' it definitely wasn't about the little people, I was overlooked at every turn.  It was like I didn't exist.

I have always brought my kids up to be selfless and I believe anyone that knows me knows I am probably the most selfless person you will ever meet, always quick to do for others even if it means I suffer financially or emotionally.

I do see this as an opportunity (given the way it was so poorly handled) to show my children that there comes a point where you can be too giving.  You can give to others to such a point that your own health, mental health and financial status can suffer.  This experience has set me back and made me feel so much less of a person.  I don't want the corporate world to win and they wont pretend I don't exist either.  They forgot I'm human with the ability to write and very well if I may say so myself (hence the State and National Award, it was judged by the written application), so I can write whatever the hell I want and they cant edit it or hide behind some contract I apparently signed (one of those ridiculous you cant proceed with your application until you click yes).

So from now on I am putting myself first, my partner of 25 years and my 3 beautiful kids second.  My studies and my run club.  They will be my focus from now on and I will take on my rehab myself and my training for my ironman. 

I would like to think the fact that I have always been such a selfless person is the reason my therapist came into my life.  I know this will pass, and I will be able to process and make sense of all this.  She is the one person in my life that has truly given me herself, without gain, without judgement and without expectations, and for that reason, knowing the hours of work each week she puts into helping me move forward and be the best person I can be I'm absolutely not letting this get the better of me.  I've been through far worse in my life and I know if she sticks this out with me, everyone that was at the award presentation will be catching flies their mouths will be that wide open seeing just how bloody amazing I am.

Sorry to my readers for the doom and gloom post but writing is very cathartic and I need to start rehab so I don't want to carry this around with me.

I'll try and make my next post a silly one.

Donna xoxo