Day 22
I went for a walk last night, met a girl I had just recently met at the run club and we were heading off for approximately a 5km walk. We met at the track so we could have walked around it 10-15 times but scenery on a longer walk is so much better. I decided I would take her on a 5km loop (which in the end was almost 7km) and without even blinking an eye I headed off to the bike track where I broke my neck 22 days ago. It's almost like I was meant to go that way. No questions asked, no hesitation, not even a nervous feeling, I'm not sure I really thought much about it at all.
We got to the scene and Sarah asked how it happened so I re-lived it through story and visual expression as best I could, still not facing the enormity of what had happened there only 2 weeks earlier. It's like I just shut down. I've done that all my life when I feel threatened. I just turn off completely. I don't want to tell my therapist that I'm struggling because if I do she may not try EDMR therapy. I'm petrified of not getting better.
Every time I try and close my eyes I can feel my body tensing in anticipation for a fear that just isn't there. It's not real. That's when you really feel like you going mad and loosing the battle. When the night takes over your body and your mind gives up the fight. I love Mondays because they bring me hope that I can be well but I also hate Mondays because they remind me that I am sick. That I was very sick even before the damn accident. Mondays also mean I have to work really hard and be honest. Honest with my therapist and honest with myself. It's really hard and it hurts.
I'm allowed to be scared and it should be without judgment because what I'm going through emotionally is 1,000 times worse than the broken neck. Give me a broken damn neck any day, just take away this damn PTSD! Please just get rid of it. This morning I will make sure I do some homework as promised last week and continue to work through why this happens to me every Friday & Sunday. My therapist told me the mind can protect itself but the body still remembers.
I don't know if I'd rather be numb again and feel nothing at all and be isolated or continue forward with bumps and scratches but have true connections with people and a life that includes hurt and vulnerability.
Today I'm working towards writing some guest pieces for some magazines so I'll need a couple of hours sleep first.
It's currently 6.38am.
Sweet dreams to me,
Crazy blogger.
Donna Xo
Every time I try and close my eyes I can feel my body tensing in anticipation for a fear that just isn't there. It's not real. That's when you really feel like you going mad and loosing the battle. When the night takes over your body and your mind gives up the fight. I love Mondays because they bring me hope that I can be well but I also hate Mondays because they remind me that I am sick. That I was very sick even before the damn accident. Mondays also mean I have to work really hard and be honest. Honest with my therapist and honest with myself. It's really hard and it hurts.
I'm allowed to be scared and it should be without judgment because what I'm going through emotionally is 1,000 times worse than the broken neck. Give me a broken damn neck any day, just take away this damn PTSD! Please just get rid of it. This morning I will make sure I do some homework as promised last week and continue to work through why this happens to me every Friday & Sunday. My therapist told me the mind can protect itself but the body still remembers.
I don't know if I'd rather be numb again and feel nothing at all and be isolated or continue forward with bumps and scratches but have true connections with people and a life that includes hurt and vulnerability.
Today I'm working towards writing some guest pieces for some magazines so I'll need a couple of hours sleep first.
It's currently 6.38am.
Sweet dreams to me,
Crazy blogger.
Donna Xo
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