First ride back out

Today I went back out on a bike for the first time since breaking my neck 9 weeks ago.  I was scarred but didn't want to look like a complete incompetent idiot!

I put on a rave face and we rode 22kms, so tomorrow's
goals is going to be 50, so by Xmas I'm comfortably riding 100kms.

Look out mill park here I come 6 months you won't know me :)

I should stick to swimming it's so much easier, at least I do t fall off.  I'm not super great at any of the disciples at any of the self disciplines I need to complete the half ironman in November but by Christ i have spirit loads of it!..  I'm taking on an even  harder task by training myself.  I just feel this is a wonderful challenge in ready for and will be so good for my healing..  My PT has been advised not to train me anymore, understable I guess so I see this as an opportunity to take on something positive.  I refuse to let this bring me down. I won't,  I haven't done anything  to hurt her intentionally just worried her and interrupted her life but a small portion of that was both ways.  She has been advised a friendship is not wise either but I can't fathom sharing something so personal with someone because you thought they were your friend & you could trust them and then the my decide diferently. Perhaps they have what they need. While it was lovely while it lasted it's just another time in my life where I fight my own battles and I'll win xo

Therapy

I had therapy today.  I had so much I wanted to say and so much I wanted to ask but I felt silly and embarrassed.  I shouldn't, I definately haven't been made to feel that way.  I really like her, I definately feel safe and I don't feel judged but I just couldn't bring myself to ask. 

I'm not even sure I'll be able to do the work anymore.  I just feel so tired.  I've been working really hard on my safe place and it's working.  I'm able to bring myself back when it gets overwhelming.  Not allowing it to completely take hold.  I'm really frightened.  I'm so scared.  I don't ever want those thoughts to come back.  I don't think I can go through that again. 

I've been working harder at relationships and trying to have healthier ones.  It's been so hard and I just don't trust myself.  Not trusting others I can sort of deal with but not being able to trust yourself is a little soul destroying.  I just know they will come back and I don't feel as though I can get through it again. I don't.  I don't want those feelings and thoughts.  That's why I'm working really hard on my safe place, allowing myself to be somewhat vunerable and not that strong woman with the thick wall up but I'm scared.  I can't imagine one more round like it has been.  I don't have much left.  

I know scheduling proper rest is super important.  I need it. I know I need rest more than exercise right now but I'm scared of what will happen.  I'm going to rest til Friday and see how I feel and if those thoughts come back.  I'll make sure my nutrition is good and I get lots of rest.  I don't know what I'll do if the thoughts come back.  I feel sick thinking about it.  See, everyone thinks I'm strong but doesn't see me in that hours therapy session where I'm broken.  So broken I do t know if I'll ever be put back together.  But I have to have hope.  I have to believe I can get better.  Live a full and enriched life and repair or make new strong connections.  Today, that's all I have, hope. 

Till next time.  

Donna Xo

First Run Back

I can't believe it's Monday already.  It's been a long weekend.  Really long, with not much sleep at all from the dreaded PTSD symptoms.  Anyway, this is not a negative post, apparently I can be pretty negative (sorry but I am actually human), so here's my take on this weekend. 

 Saturday, I completed my first 5km timed non-stop run since breaking my neck.  It's funny because I say non-stop and yet I actually stopped twice, first time was not long after we took off because my phone went flying so I had to chase after it, the second time was when my shoelace came undone.  It was like dejavu at one point.  That ride when everything went wrong and I should have just stopped and headed home.  It felt a little the same to be honest, didn't end with a bang like that ride 8 weeks ago thankfully.  

It was tough and I was incredibly slow.  Longest 34 minutes of my life.  Felt worse than starting again.  But this is where I need to find acceptance.  I have to accept I'm not the same, I'm heavier, (11kgs now that I've lost 2kgs) I'm probably less determined and more cautious with my body.  It's pointless aiming for something I know right now I can't reach, it only sets myself up for failure.  I may never run a 25min 5km or sub 1hr 10km or get back to almost 2hr sub half.  See, I was never a super athlete, just determined.  I had to prove to myself that I can achieve these things and I did.  I've had so many successes so it's completely ok to have some failures too.  

To yesterday, and I was up at 4am for my first official stint as volunteer for the yearly city to see event.  I had what I thought was a super easy job which was just to make sure if any cars entered the small lane way in between apartment buildings to let them know it's closed till 11am.  Super easy right?  Nope, bloody entertaining it was.  We encountered a lady who decided she was late to church for her fathers (she couldn't remember what it was) and that she was entitled to drive on the footpath into pedestrians and cyclists.  

She almost killed a poor unsuspecting cyclist so a man decided it was a good idea and when I told him, no a lady almost killed a cyclist driving on the footpath he exclaims, good, I hate cyclists.  Oh buddy, you are so saying that to the wrong person. Luckily the conversation ended abrubtly there.   The highlight though was seeing Jessica run her first 15kms who I am coaching and I am so very proud of her ackomplishments.  As a coach I just couldn't ask for someone nicer to write up a training plan for.  Looking forward to seeing her run her first half marathon in 2 weeks.

 Back later for a better update very tired the last 3 days. 

Donna Xo

Acceptance

I think I've accepted that I've been changed yet again as a person.  I'm telling myself that shouldn't be a bad thing necessarily but it's better for my journey forward to accept that I'm forever changed again.

Only people who have experienced that moment when you honestly don't know if you'll make it (believe me I had that moment, and that's why I sat up with a broken neck, rib and beaten face and skull) can know what it's like and that it does change you.

I've realised only recently that I need to matter.  Not to anyone else, but to myself.  My trauma specialist has had me create this most wonderful safe place to escape to, so that I can process things properly but it scares the hell out of me.  I feel physically ill when I try and think about the work ahead.  I don't think she realises I'm not strong enough. 

She says I'm very black and white in my thinking.  I wish I didn't think at all.  I wish my mind would just be quiet.  Enjoy the sounds outside like the birds chirping and not have the thought processes that I do.  If I could turn it off I would, but I only know one way to make that happen.  I'd like to work on turning it down.  Quieter would be good.

I know I've had people from all over the world reach out and want hope.  Hope for healing (some who have also experienced a broken neck) and some from symptoms of PTSD (they want to know that you can get better).  Of course, it's hard because I'm still pretty early in my own journey and have so many unanswered questions myself, but there's no way I'm taking away someone's hope.  Not when they want to know everything is going to be ok.

I used to ask one of my very few friends very regularly am I going to be ok?  The answer was always the same.  Of course you are.  It changed.  A lot has changed.  I've changed too.  I no longer feel I can ask that question (it's probably one I should be answering myself anyway).  I no longer have that shoulder to cry on, but that's life.  Things change.  Acceptance must come with it.  Acceptance that I've done the best I can with what I've been dealt.  I now want for more.  I long for an enriched life with people who want to be in mine.  I have those people, I just don't know it andchoose not to acknowledge it. That's why change must come.  But first acceptance.

Night 

Crazy as anything

Donna Xo  

Guest Blog by Aaron McDonough

 

What a big responsibility it is to be here.  Well, at least that's how I feel.  It's a privilege to be invited by Donna to share something with you.  I hope I do it the justice that it deserves.  To be sharing my works with such a large audience, an audience, captivated by Donna's story that continues to evolve.  A remarkable story, one that I'm sure has touched all of you in some way, including me.

We all have our peaks and troughs in life - highs that are short-lived and fade far too quickly to lows that are seemingly never ending.  I have had my fair share of both, in my personal life and sporting pursuit's.  But here I will focus on the latter.  I have competed (and coached) in many sports over a long period of time; football, cricket and athletics most of all and over a long period of time focussing on the discipline of racewalking.  To the uninitiated it's the walking event contested at the Olympics, that seems a little different and some say unnatural on the body and a little odd to the eye.  The rules are very simple, but mastering the technique is a big challenge.  A long, smooth stride at fast cadence with rhythm being the key.  Not easy when your pushing yourself to the limit and fatiguing - its a mental test as much as a physical one.  You see, racewalking is an endurance event over 20/50km but also held over shorter distances at local competitions over 2/35/10km.  Why would you be motivated to take on such a challenge?

We are all searching for the peaks.  For me it started out as a fun activity and to keep fit for better health.  So it started out as finding something I enjoyed participating in.  Racing on a regular basis sparked the competitor in me, which I believe is in everyone in some way - not necessarily sport, but other parts of life too.  Everyone likes to do well at something, to do better than they did the last time - the thing that brings joy and they excel at gives them their peaks.  So, how do I produce a better time in my next race?  What can I do to improve?  Is it racewalking technique? Is it training and preparation? Is it all of the above? In my role as coach (I have coached juniors and self coached for a long period of time) my philosophy is that improvement comes with change.  You need to set reasonable expectations of yourself - including you Donna! Change happens in small increments.

No one becomes expert or elite overnight. Yes, it helps to have natural talent to excel, but you will limit your achievements without hard work.  And this is where I need to emphasise - focus on getting the most out of yourself, as this is what you have control over.  Others will achieve more or less than you in a particular pursuit and you have to accept that you will be beaten by a better score or performance - that's just life.  In little athletics, the motto is to "be you best" why not continue that way of thinking through life?

Everyone gets knocked down at some time in their life and hits a trough.  It might be a bad performance or something beyond our control like an injury such as Donna's.  whatever situation you find yourself in, the climb back up again can seem insurmountable.  Remember, change happens in small increments.  Pace yourself.  Be prepared and expect to go two srteps forward and back one.  Life's like that, unpredictable and frustrating.  Allow yourself to feel bad and upset - you're human and that's normal.  You don't deserve this but who does?  It's not the end - it's the beginning of what comes next.  If you don't allow yourself to be determined, whatever the circumstances and struggles, you won't know what you can achieve!

Aaron McDonough

The Run

It's one of the worst things to be told as someone who keeps mentally well through exercise, you have a broken neck and will be unable to train to capacity for at least 3 months and you can't run for at least 2 months.  Those words cut like a knife, "you can't run", not even a slow jog.  4 weeks before you will even begin to walk outside again.  So, to hear the words, "2 more weeks you can try running" is like heaven to the ears!  I was like a kid in a candy store.  I remember bouncing in the chair when the orthopaedic specialist said 14 more days.

But when last Thursday came, I just couldn't do it.  I didn't feel physically or mentally ready.  Thursday came & went, then Friday, Saturday & Sunday I finally thought this is it.  I've got to get out there or the fear will kick in and I may never feel confident again.  So off I took, too frightened to go on my own (I've always ran on my own) so my partner and daughter came with me for support and stayed with me incase anything went wrong.  That feeling of starting over again?  Shattering and exhilarating at the same time.  Disappointing that I have to go through all those emotions all over again and all the hard work to drop the 13kgs that I've put in but at the same time it's exciting that I'll again be able to challenge my mind and body and see where some hard work can take me. 

The run was both terrible and fantastic.  Terrible because 2kms in I wanted to quit.  Quit running for good and a fantastic feeling when I pushed though all those negative thoughts and made it to the end of the 4kms without stopping.  What does the 'run' represent to me?  Being well, both in a physical and emotional sense.  Writing is the other thing that keeps me well and feeling whole.  So here's to many more wonderful running stories to write about and staying well and hopefully managing that ironman in the future.  I don't really know what the future holds for me, with the PTSD and now the injuries and the brain injury, but I do know with all certainty I will continue with therapy, continue writing about it, go to my hospital appointments and keep putting one foot in front of the other on the hopes that it one day inspires even just one person to do the same.

Stay well.  Stay safe.

Donna Xo