Acceptance

I think I've accepted that I've been changed yet again as a person.  I'm telling myself that shouldn't be a bad thing necessarily but it's better for my journey forward to accept that I'm forever changed again.

Only people who have experienced that moment when you honestly don't know if you'll make it (believe me I had that moment, and that's why I sat up with a broken neck, rib and beaten face and skull) can know what it's like and that it does change you.

I've realised only recently that I need to matter.  Not to anyone else, but to myself.  My trauma specialist has had me create this most wonderful safe place to escape to, so that I can process things properly but it scares the hell out of me.  I feel physically ill when I try and think about the work ahead.  I don't think she realises I'm not strong enough. 

She says I'm very black and white in my thinking.  I wish I didn't think at all.  I wish my mind would just be quiet.  Enjoy the sounds outside like the birds chirping and not have the thought processes that I do.  If I could turn it off I would, but I only know one way to make that happen.  I'd like to work on turning it down.  Quieter would be good.

I know I've had people from all over the world reach out and want hope.  Hope for healing (some who have also experienced a broken neck) and some from symptoms of PTSD (they want to know that you can get better).  Of course, it's hard because I'm still pretty early in my own journey and have so many unanswered questions myself, but there's no way I'm taking away someone's hope.  Not when they want to know everything is going to be ok.

I used to ask one of my very few friends very regularly am I going to be ok?  The answer was always the same.  Of course you are.  It changed.  A lot has changed.  I've changed too.  I no longer feel I can ask that question (it's probably one I should be answering myself anyway).  I no longer have that shoulder to cry on, but that's life.  Things change.  Acceptance must come with it.  Acceptance that I've done the best I can with what I've been dealt.  I now want for more.  I long for an enriched life with people who want to be in mine.  I have those people, I just don't know it andchoose not to acknowledge it. That's why change must come.  But first acceptance.

Night 

Crazy as anything

Donna Xo