Therapy

I had therapy today.  I had so much I wanted to say and so much I wanted to ask but I felt silly and embarrassed.  I shouldn't, I definately haven't been made to feel that way.  I really like her, I definately feel safe and I don't feel judged but I just couldn't bring myself to ask. 

I'm not even sure I'll be able to do the work anymore.  I just feel so tired.  I've been working really hard on my safe place and it's working.  I'm able to bring myself back when it gets overwhelming.  Not allowing it to completely take hold.  I'm really frightened.  I'm so scared.  I don't ever want those thoughts to come back.  I don't think I can go through that again. 

I've been working harder at relationships and trying to have healthier ones.  It's been so hard and I just don't trust myself.  Not trusting others I can sort of deal with but not being able to trust yourself is a little soul destroying.  I just know they will come back and I don't feel as though I can get through it again. I don't.  I don't want those feelings and thoughts.  That's why I'm working really hard on my safe place, allowing myself to be somewhat vunerable and not that strong woman with the thick wall up but I'm scared.  I can't imagine one more round like it has been.  I don't have much left.  

I know scheduling proper rest is super important.  I need it. I know I need rest more than exercise right now but I'm scared of what will happen.  I'm going to rest til Friday and see how I feel and if those thoughts come back.  I'll make sure my nutrition is good and I get lots of rest.  I don't know what I'll do if the thoughts come back.  I feel sick thinking about it.  See, everyone thinks I'm strong but doesn't see me in that hours therapy session where I'm broken.  So broken I do t know if I'll ever be put back together.  But I have to have hope.  I have to believe I can get better.  Live a full and enriched life and repair or make new strong connections.  Today, that's all I have, hope. 

Till next time.  

Donna Xo