First ride back out since the accident

This morning I headed back out for my first solo ride since that horrible accident on 10th September 2017 that left me in hospital with a broken neck.  It's funny because as much as I hate what its done to me as far as weight gain (22kgs, but shedding now) and PARC definitely wasn't the right fit for me to heal, being chased around by a lady with a walking frame, the only time I felt normal was when I joined the three wise monkeys out the front under the tree and smoked like a naughty little teenager.  I haven't laughed like that for a long time, then a resident told me I was too happy and needed to leave (I thought that laughing was part of healing but obviously not) and then when staff told me a large knife had gone missing that was it, that just tipped me over the edge.  It was even harder ringing my family asking to come home because I no longer felt safe, and being told that's where you need to be for now, you can come home when your time is up.  So the smoking under the tree continued and it didn't take long after 11 years to become hooked again.  Just like alcohol, it only took that one drink after 13 years one new years eve to remember how it helps with the symptoms.  (sober now but it was a tough road).

That was one of the worst feelings I think I've had, that feel of abandonment, like I no longer had them to turn too.  They become accustomed to avoiding me and situations.  They begrudge watching television with me because it means the lights cant be on they way they like it.  I cant have too many lights a once, and I loose concentration very quickly.  They often play Xbox or PlayStation games, I can hear them all laughing and having fun, its something my mind just wont allow me to do.  It's not that they do it deliberately but still when they do it reminds me how I'm sick.  I'm unable to enjoy some simple pleasures.

It hasn't all been bad.  Its made me do a lot of reflecting and thinking long and hard about what it is I really want.

I know now what it is that I want now, its not a lot but its probably the hardest thing to overcome and that is to live without the crippling fear that something bad is lurking just around the corner.  There's nothing there, nothing there to fear anyway and if there is Ill just find a way to manage.  Like I have for the last 20 years.  I've raised three pretty good kids two are almost grown adults now, and the youngest is far beyond his years.  A real little gem that one.

Riding that 15kms on my own this morning I truly believe was the first step in facing my fears.  Riding along and not letting my mind wander to any danger that may be ahead, just a lady out for a Sunday morning ride, sometimes pushing a little, sometimes just taking in the surroundings.  If that's not a positive step I don't know what is.  I've started swimming again, the best way to help manage the symptoms without  the heavy impact on my joints and the pain in my hip and neck if I try and run.  It will come, I know it will, because the one thing I do know about myself is that I can be determined.  I can set my mind to something and succeed, I've done it before, so now shouldn't be any different.

I still want to complete that half ironman in November, but that also may be something I just cant do.  Without putting too much pressure on myself its something that is driving me back to health and hopefully ill be able to fulfil that dream at the end of the year, but if not, it'll still be there next year calling my name in 2019.

Donna