I've come out of a week in a psychiatric ward followed by two weeks in at PARC, never fully believing id change and things would be different. They definitely have changed I'm not certain its the way I hoped and dreamed but they sure have changed. Some days like today just feel like they'll never end. I got up so overwhelmed, had a new appointment to meet with my case worker nervous as hell, running on next to no sleep despite the almost 20 tablets I take each day.
Should be getting plenty of sleep but I'm not. Coming home from PARC was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I didn't want to come back but I couldn't wait to get out. Id been called names, told I was too happy to be in the facility. A knife went missing on day think it was 11 (3 days before I was due to come home and after some of the things that had been said I really felt frightened. Its meant to be a place where you go to feel safe, calm the mind and the body and I just couldn't, I was told no-one could get into my room so I could also stay there to feel safe and yet part of the program is meant to be about readjusting back into the community? Made not one iota of sense to me.
I did a lot of their administration while I was there, numbers that didn't exist, services closed down, services that had never offered that particular service. Crazy it was meant to be about me getting well again. I spent so much time sitting outside to feel comfortable I took up the terrible (and expensive)
Still I struggled through, managed 1/2 km swim, a walk, I did my job as run leader (not very well but just showing up was a huge plus) created a group bike ride on a FB page I created to inspire myself, I figured I would never ride alone again. I've started a social swim group which seems to have a lot of interest so that may inspire me to get going again a get off these horrendous cigarettes. I did other positive things like knocked over some study, something I haven't been home to access so that made me feel a little better still I just didn't feel right.
Coming home just doesn't seem to be where I should be right now, even Christmas wasn't the same, there was no gift under the Christmas tree to open and I just felt like I was a walking ghost. Back to my appointment at community Health, wrong day, wrong time. A Nurse came up gave me the biggest hug and kiss and said ill just do this and come back. I don't know who she was. Obviously she knows me pretty well, and I put on a brave face but I just don't remember her. Feels awful. The worst feeling, I ran out of there as quickly as I could to avoid further embarrassment.
I then had to take my daughter to an appointment that was pre-paid yet when we went they wanted another $150.00, she pre-booked 10 session with her Christmas money and yet I'm asked to fork out more. I went off, something I don't tend to do I run away from confrontation, too many thing to confront myself about without taking on board battles I cant possibly win. I decided to head to the ATM while she had her treatment and grabbed my usual money out for groceries, two weeks worth of meet, kids social activities (there seems to be 17th and 18th every second weekend at the moment. money for this and that you know just the general stuff, but the crowds, the noise I ran out shaking. forgot to take the money. Put in a balance with Westpac bank through Vic Bank but if I'm lucking the machine sucked it back in otherwise I'm $700 worse off than what I was yesterday.
Adam came home with a parking fine in the city with work and his sensor for his type 1 diabetes that our wonderful government wont recognise as part of the PBS meant we were $182.00 out of pocket for that too. In the scheme of what I'm struggling through its not the end of the world but one right now, I just don't fit into.
Not at home, I know I'm well loved just so completely disconnected I cant find my way back. I've tried everything sensory from sniffing nose inhalers (all natural medical ones) to reading, a little exercise thrown in and difficult puzzles, everything, meditation you name it its not finding my way back. I do believe what Mara says that there is always hope and I'm still believing but please just cut me a break, I work hard when I can, I train even when I'm sick, I used to run with arthritis.
Sometimes I think it takes to hit below rock bottom to know who really does want to be in our life. They want nothing from you, just your company good or bad, up or down. I think this may be one hell of a ride back and that ironman I rave about seems long gone.
Tomorrow is a new day and with that come hope) and one ill spend with my beautiful daughter up in Montrose again. Wish I could stay there forever where I feel at peace.
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