Today’s been one of those days, you know what I mean where you question everything and I can’t help but wonder why I’m still here, broken friendships that were once very strong and seemed unbreakable, you deal with the PTSD from the minute you get out of bed those horrible shakes, you pick yourself up and keep going, looking for all the positives there are so many, I graduated last week  and am now a Weight Management Practitioner, I’m following my dream to teach people to run, I’m loosing weight & gaining some strength back.

But it’s hard work getting back, then a friend messaged me to ask how my bike ride went, to which I replied, it didn’t happen, I couldn’t shift the feelings that were bedded in me from when I woke.  She sent me the most wonderful message and it reminded me why I keep going.  Friendships come in all forms and when you need someone they seem to just appear.  Thank you Alison for caring and understanding, sometimes a simple message can change everything.

I feel motivated to get back out there and do my best to give back what I believe I’m meant to do.  My passion for running is stronger than ever and although I can’t do it right now there are so many things I can do, teach other people the joys of running, focus my energy into those that may have been just like me, looking for that little something to get started.

I would really like to say a massive thank you to the run like a girl community who were an amazing support over the last couple of weeks, you guys are awesome. I do believe I have a lot to give and need to except the bad days, they happen for all of us just in different forms.

Once running again I plan to work harder than I ever have and I’ve learnt to love swimming, the bike will happen, I have so much to be thankful for.  A few (17 exactly) should mean extra motivation to get out there and change my life, not worry about friendships they will happen if they are meant to be, perhaps I’ve forced too many without even realising.

Next week back to strength work & rehab with my swimming & cycling.  I can get there I know I can I realtor don’t think it was a permanent thing.

Great advice

I woke up this morning more nervous than my first ride out on my own, not sure why, but I paced around the house, shaking, thinking of all the things that can go wrong with a simple bike ride, nevertheless I got my cycling gear on and the only one up at the early hour of 6.30am was my 10 year old boy, everyone else still sound asleep.  “Morning mum” he says, “morning son” I replied. “Where are you going” he asked, “I was going to go on a bike ride mate but I’m a little nervous this morning, I’m not taking my phone and I’m worried something may go wrong.

“Mum, he said, think of the time before you broke your neck and how much you enjoyed riding and I’ll tell dad to come find you if your gone too long”.  

That was just the advice I needed.  I never want my kids to feel I just gave up because it was all too hard.  I took off, ended up riding around 1h20mins & made 25kms, just enjoying what was around me taking my little mans advice.  I noticed the big rocks since been removed, my heart did skip a beat the twice I rode past it, but I reminded myself how lucky I was to even be riding at all.

I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment.  Told my daughter what I had managed, and she replied “I know Mum, Bailey woke me as soon as you left and said if she’s too long we need to look for her”. 

Although he gave me great advice he was just as worried as me (if not more) and it makes me feel good to think this is the boy I’ve raised, despite my many psychological barriers I have done a great job.  I’m hoping one day soon we will ride together so he knows why I’ve learned to love it.

Dedicated to my beautiful 10 year old son Bailey, your a champ.

Love Mum ❤️

First ride back out since the accident

This morning I headed back out for my first solo ride since that horrible accident on 10th September 2017 that left me in hospital with a broken neck.  It's funny because as much as I hate what its done to me as far as weight gain (22kgs, but shedding now) and PARC definitely wasn't the right fit for me to heal, being chased around by a lady with a walking frame, the only time I felt normal was when I joined the three wise monkeys out the front under the tree and smoked like a naughty little teenager.  I haven't laughed like that for a long time, then a resident told me I was too happy and needed to leave (I thought that laughing was part of healing but obviously not) and then when staff told me a large knife had gone missing that was it, that just tipped me over the edge.  It was even harder ringing my family asking to come home because I no longer felt safe, and being told that's where you need to be for now, you can come home when your time is up.  So the smoking under the tree continued and it didn't take long after 11 years to become hooked again.  Just like alcohol, it only took that one drink after 13 years one new years eve to remember how it helps with the symptoms.  (sober now but it was a tough road).

That was one of the worst feelings I think I've had, that feel of abandonment, like I no longer had them to turn too.  They become accustomed to avoiding me and situations.  They begrudge watching television with me because it means the lights cant be on they way they like it.  I cant have too many lights a once, and I loose concentration very quickly.  They often play Xbox or PlayStation games, I can hear them all laughing and having fun, its something my mind just wont allow me to do.  It's not that they do it deliberately but still when they do it reminds me how I'm sick.  I'm unable to enjoy some simple pleasures.

It hasn't all been bad.  Its made me do a lot of reflecting and thinking long and hard about what it is I really want.

I know now what it is that I want now, its not a lot but its probably the hardest thing to overcome and that is to live without the crippling fear that something bad is lurking just around the corner.  There's nothing there, nothing there to fear anyway and if there is Ill just find a way to manage.  Like I have for the last 20 years.  I've raised three pretty good kids two are almost grown adults now, and the youngest is far beyond his years.  A real little gem that one.

Riding that 15kms on my own this morning I truly believe was the first step in facing my fears.  Riding along and not letting my mind wander to any danger that may be ahead, just a lady out for a Sunday morning ride, sometimes pushing a little, sometimes just taking in the surroundings.  If that's not a positive step I don't know what is.  I've started swimming again, the best way to help manage the symptoms without  the heavy impact on my joints and the pain in my hip and neck if I try and run.  It will come, I know it will, because the one thing I do know about myself is that I can be determined.  I can set my mind to something and succeed, I've done it before, so now shouldn't be any different.

I still want to complete that half ironman in November, but that also may be something I just cant do.  Without putting too much pressure on myself its something that is driving me back to health and hopefully ill be able to fulfil that dream at the end of the year, but if not, it'll still be there next year calling my name in 2019.

Donna