I thought about not writing this blog, but I don't believe I have much more to loose. I've spent a week in an acute psych ward at the northern and tomorrow I have a meeting for a recovery place called PARC, people go there for mental health problems to learn strategies that help in the real world. Sounds really good & what I really need but I'm too scared to go. I don't want my kids to see me vunerable and locked up. They couldn't come & see me at the acute ward it just wasn't a place for kids so I felt like I was being punished for being sick by them refusing to let them see me.
I'm not sure what park is like in that respect but I know if kids can't come then I won't be seperate from myself anymore. Enough damage has been done & it certainly hasn't all been by me, the system fails, time & time again.
The biggest problem is sifting through Those of us that are there for real help whatever is offered and those that have no-where else to be, for a meal, a bed & be warm & those of us that just so desperately want help.
I can't begin to tell you how strange it was to come home. It wasn't what I expected at all. It's been difficult to fit back in to say the least, and I'm not sure I ever really did fit in. Maybe I never will.
My psychologist I think has had enough of my bullshit attitude and wants me to pull me head out of my arse. I'll go to the interview but illl need to run it out of me.
I'll need to be up by 6am, get my run in and go the the appointment with an open mind and open heart.
A lot of changes need to happen for me to get better but I know I can't just get out there and go hung ho and ruin all my heard work. So start with simple this like good nutrition & sleep. Plent of time to run & cycle.
I plan on a 2 hour cycle on Wednesday if I'm well enough. I'll let you all know how o go with the treatement program interview. I'm sure they can help with PTSD and all the other things that make like seem too hard. I'm so tired, these new meds are really knocking me around.
Till next time
Donna
Dear Donna,
ReplyDeleteYou don’t know me, but I am getting to know you, through your blog.
I want you to know something.
I admire you.
I admire your grit, your strength, your resilience.
I admire your openness.
I also have PTSD. I have had it for a very long time, and I never really did anything about it. It took a long time to even get a diagnosis for me, because I had to be open about the trauma that caused it, and I couldn’t do that for a very long time.
In the past 5 months I have embarked on a wellness journey. I have taken up running. Yesterday I ran a half marathon and I am incredibly proud of that. Pride is not something that I am familiar with. Not this kind of pride. The kind where you feel worthy. I’ve been following your blog through RHWSRH for a little while now, and you have kept me motivated. You kept me focused.
You can get through this and turn it into something else that drives you further. I am a firm believer that you must do what is necessary to make yourself the very best version of yourself and your children and family can only benefit from that.
Hold on.
Believe in you and your right to wellness.
And thank you for sharing your rawness with people like me. You are an inspiration.
I wish you well.
Dear Samantha,
ReplyDeleteWOW, sounds like you've had one hell of a journey too. Thank you for you encouragement I'd all but given up writing it just felt like a chore rather than a passion, but you've ignited that spark in me again.
Huge congrats on that half marathon, j know how much guts and determination they take.
Regards,
Donna