Today’s been one of those days, you know what I mean where you question everything and I can’t help but wonder why I’m still here, broken friendships that were once very strong and seemed unbreakable, you deal with the PTSD from the minute you get out of bed those horrible shakes, you pick yourself up and keep going, looking for all the positives there are so many, I graduated last week  and am now a Weight Management Practitioner, I’m following my dream to teach people to run, I’m loosing weight & gaining some strength back.

But it’s hard work getting back, then a friend messaged me to ask how my bike ride went, to which I replied, it didn’t happen, I couldn’t shift the feelings that were bedded in me from when I woke.  She sent me the most wonderful message and it reminded me why I keep going.  Friendships come in all forms and when you need someone they seem to just appear.  Thank you Alison for caring and understanding, sometimes a simple message can change everything.

I feel motivated to get back out there and do my best to give back what I believe I’m meant to do.  My passion for running is stronger than ever and although I can’t do it right now there are so many things I can do, teach other people the joys of running, focus my energy into those that may have been just like me, looking for that little something to get started.

I would really like to say a massive thank you to the run like a girl community who were an amazing support over the last couple of weeks, you guys are awesome. I do believe I have a lot to give and need to except the bad days, they happen for all of us just in different forms.

Once running again I plan to work harder than I ever have and I’ve learnt to love swimming, the bike will happen, I have so much to be thankful for.  A few (17 exactly) should mean extra motivation to get out there and change my life, not worry about friendships they will happen if they are meant to be, perhaps I’ve forced too many without even realising.

Next week back to strength work & rehab with my swimming & cycling.  I can get there I know I can I realtor don’t think it was a permanent thing.

Great advice

I woke up this morning more nervous than my first ride out on my own, not sure why, but I paced around the house, shaking, thinking of all the things that can go wrong with a simple bike ride, nevertheless I got my cycling gear on and the only one up at the early hour of 6.30am was my 10 year old boy, everyone else still sound asleep.  “Morning mum” he says, “morning son” I replied. “Where are you going” he asked, “I was going to go on a bike ride mate but I’m a little nervous this morning, I’m not taking my phone and I’m worried something may go wrong.

“Mum, he said, think of the time before you broke your neck and how much you enjoyed riding and I’ll tell dad to come find you if your gone too long”.  

That was just the advice I needed.  I never want my kids to feel I just gave up because it was all too hard.  I took off, ended up riding around 1h20mins & made 25kms, just enjoying what was around me taking my little mans advice.  I noticed the big rocks since been removed, my heart did skip a beat the twice I rode past it, but I reminded myself how lucky I was to even be riding at all.

I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment.  Told my daughter what I had managed, and she replied “I know Mum, Bailey woke me as soon as you left and said if she’s too long we need to look for her”. 

Although he gave me great advice he was just as worried as me (if not more) and it makes me feel good to think this is the boy I’ve raised, despite my many psychological barriers I have done a great job.  I’m hoping one day soon we will ride together so he knows why I’ve learned to love it.

Dedicated to my beautiful 10 year old son Bailey, your a champ.

Love Mum ❤️

First ride back out since the accident

This morning I headed back out for my first solo ride since that horrible accident on 10th September 2017 that left me in hospital with a broken neck.  It's funny because as much as I hate what its done to me as far as weight gain (22kgs, but shedding now) and PARC definitely wasn't the right fit for me to heal, being chased around by a lady with a walking frame, the only time I felt normal was when I joined the three wise monkeys out the front under the tree and smoked like a naughty little teenager.  I haven't laughed like that for a long time, then a resident told me I was too happy and needed to leave (I thought that laughing was part of healing but obviously not) and then when staff told me a large knife had gone missing that was it, that just tipped me over the edge.  It was even harder ringing my family asking to come home because I no longer felt safe, and being told that's where you need to be for now, you can come home when your time is up.  So the smoking under the tree continued and it didn't take long after 11 years to become hooked again.  Just like alcohol, it only took that one drink after 13 years one new years eve to remember how it helps with the symptoms.  (sober now but it was a tough road).

That was one of the worst feelings I think I've had, that feel of abandonment, like I no longer had them to turn too.  They become accustomed to avoiding me and situations.  They begrudge watching television with me because it means the lights cant be on they way they like it.  I cant have too many lights a once, and I loose concentration very quickly.  They often play Xbox or PlayStation games, I can hear them all laughing and having fun, its something my mind just wont allow me to do.  It's not that they do it deliberately but still when they do it reminds me how I'm sick.  I'm unable to enjoy some simple pleasures.

It hasn't all been bad.  Its made me do a lot of reflecting and thinking long and hard about what it is I really want.

I know now what it is that I want now, its not a lot but its probably the hardest thing to overcome and that is to live without the crippling fear that something bad is lurking just around the corner.  There's nothing there, nothing there to fear anyway and if there is Ill just find a way to manage.  Like I have for the last 20 years.  I've raised three pretty good kids two are almost grown adults now, and the youngest is far beyond his years.  A real little gem that one.

Riding that 15kms on my own this morning I truly believe was the first step in facing my fears.  Riding along and not letting my mind wander to any danger that may be ahead, just a lady out for a Sunday morning ride, sometimes pushing a little, sometimes just taking in the surroundings.  If that's not a positive step I don't know what is.  I've started swimming again, the best way to help manage the symptoms without  the heavy impact on my joints and the pain in my hip and neck if I try and run.  It will come, I know it will, because the one thing I do know about myself is that I can be determined.  I can set my mind to something and succeed, I've done it before, so now shouldn't be any different.

I still want to complete that half ironman in November, but that also may be something I just cant do.  Without putting too much pressure on myself its something that is driving me back to health and hopefully ill be able to fulfil that dream at the end of the year, but if not, it'll still be there next year calling my name in 2019.

Donna

Reality Bites

I've come out of a week in a psychiatric ward followed by two weeks in at PARC, never fully believing id change and things would be different.  They definitely have changed I'm not certain its the way I hoped and dreamed but they sure have changed.  Some days like today just feel like they'll never end.  I got up so overwhelmed, had a new appointment to meet with my case worker nervous as hell, running on next to no sleep despite the almost 20 tablets I take each day.

Should be getting plenty of sleep but I'm not.  Coming home from PARC was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I didn't want to come back but I couldn't wait to get out.  Id been called names, told I was too happy to be in the facility.  A knife went missing on day think it was 11 (3 days before I was due to come home and after some of the things that had been said I really felt frightened.  Its meant to be a place where you go to feel safe, calm the mind and the body and I just couldn't, I was told no-one could get into my room so I could also stay there to feel safe and yet part of the program is meant to be about readjusting back into the community? Made not one iota of sense to me.

I did a lot of their administration while I was there, numbers that didn't exist, services closed down, services that had never offered that particular service.  Crazy it was meant to be about me getting well again.  I spent so much time sitting outside to feel comfortable I took up the terrible (and expensive)

Still I struggled through, managed 1/2 km swim, a walk, I did my job as run leader (not very well but just showing up was a huge plus) created a group bike ride on a FB page I created to inspire myself, I figured I would never ride alone again.  I've started a social swim group which seems to have a lot of interest so that may inspire me to get going again a get off these horrendous cigarettes.  I did other positive things like knocked over some study, something I haven't been home to access so that made me feel a little better still I just didn't feel right.

Coming home just doesn't seem to be where I should be right now, even Christmas wasn't the same, there was no gift under the Christmas tree to open and I just felt like I was a walking ghost.  Back to my appointment at community Health, wrong day, wrong time.  A Nurse came up gave me the biggest hug and kiss and said ill just do this and come back.  I don't know who she was.  Obviously she knows me pretty well, and I put on a brave face but I just don't remember her.  Feels awful.  The worst feeling, I ran out of there as quickly as I could to avoid further embarrassment.

I then had to take my daughter to an appointment that was pre-paid yet when we went they wanted another $150.00, she pre-booked 10 session with her Christmas money and yet I'm asked to fork out more.  I went off, something I don't tend to do I run away from confrontation, too many thing to confront myself about without taking on board battles I cant possibly win.  I decided to head to the ATM while she had her treatment and grabbed my usual money out for groceries, two weeks worth of meet, kids social activities (there seems to be 17th and 18th every second weekend at the moment.  money for this and that you know just the general stuff, but the crowds, the noise I ran out shaking.  forgot to take the money.  Put in a balance with Westpac bank through Vic Bank but if I'm lucking the machine sucked it back in otherwise I'm $700 worse off than what I was yesterday. 

Adam came home with a parking fine in the city with work and his sensor for his type 1 diabetes that our wonderful government wont recognise as part of the PBS meant we were $182.00 out of pocket for that too.  In the scheme of what I'm struggling through its not the end of the world but one right now, I just don't fit into.

Not at home, I know I'm well loved just so completely disconnected I cant find my way back.  I've tried everything sensory from sniffing nose inhalers (all natural medical ones) to reading, a little exercise thrown in and difficult puzzles, everything, meditation you name it its not finding my way back.  I do believe what Mara says that there is always hope and I'm still believing but please just cut me a break, I work hard when I can, I train even when I'm sick, I used to run with arthritis. 

Sometimes I think it takes to hit below rock bottom to know who really does want to be in our life.  They want nothing from you, just your company good or bad, up or down.  I think this may be one hell of a ride back and that ironman I rave about seems long gone.

Tomorrow is a new day and with that come hope) and one ill spend with my beautiful daughter up in Montrose again.  Wish I could stay there forever where I feel at peace.

It's funny (not in a literal sense but how I think I'm chancing.  My breakdown, the CPTSD (that I'll never get rid of) and the accident has changed me.  I get discharged on the 20th, PARC has been kind to me, it's been I place to go to when I just couldn't have been at home, I couldn't have really been anywhere but here or in hospital.  I struggle with the fact that I'm different, I sit with terrible feelings now and emotions but I've just changed so much.

The fear going home is overwhelming, the OHP group, ive attended, 1:1 have been changed or pushed back but not because I haven't wanted it.  I struggle with the meds side of things, not sure how on earth I'm meant to live like this, it's the hardest thing I've ever done.  I haven't really had visitors, my family came in once, my beautiful friend Mara just wouldn't take no for an answer, I've received only a couple of calls and that's hard, I felt like even at my sickest I work so hard on my realationshps.

I'm nervous, anxious, frightened and still very overwhelmed.  I just want to becwell.  Now the horrible haunting thoughts have gone I want an opportunity to begin to live again and some days I feel like I just won't ever be well enough and the shit won't be big enough to have a significant change.  Having always exercised to stay well that even in itself feels impossible and I'm not sure I have the strength left to do what I need to in order to heal properly.

PARC staff are all lovely, of corse I have my favourites but I'm not sharing (you never know who reads blogs these days.  I have to believe I can get and stay well but realistically I'm not certain it's even possible.  I've met some people in here I feel I'll keep in touch with, I've connected in some way with all of the residents.

One lady made a comment yesterday that I'm too happy to be here & not depressed enough.  That's how I cope, with a smile and some humour.  I just can't possibly keep on the cycle (no pun intended) and stay well.  It's just not possible.

Today it's quiet but I will be back & forth with basketball games then it's meeting after meeting.  My head feel like it's going to explode.  I'm not sure I have the strength left to start again, I'm really, not even sure that re-connecting with my community will help.  Let's just wait and see what today brings.

Signing off
Donna Xo

Its aparently ok to not be ok

I often try and be as positive as I can and I realise a lot of people reading this blog expect (well ok that's quite harsh), but hope that I can at least attempt to be inspirational.  Not happening Right now, I didn't feel ok, id barely stepped foot into my stay at PARC (For those of you that don't know for me it's like a trauma recovery centre from crisis) 24 hrs later when I went home so damn tired from taking drugs, benzo's, psychotic drugs for anxiety, vitamins (probably the only good thing that will come out of what I put in my mouth, other than healthy food) but i'm also on ant-depressants and sleeping tablets.  My weight at my fittest was 62kgs, I'm now 80kgs.  I was a very loose size 10, in the space of 6 months I'm just on 80kgs.  How could anyone feel good about that or feel comfortable in their own skin.  I madly ran around after the kids feeling terrible for being so sick (both mentally & physically) and manage to flood my house having only returned a couple of hours then ran late for drop-off's & pick-ups for basketball games, didn't finish cleaning the damn water everywhere, I recognise now I take on way too much.

For now I need medication (despite not being a big fan of any of them) they have stopped my haunting suicide thoughts and I feel much more grounded.  I'm proud of myself, I work hard at getting well, I read all the material they give me, as hard as it is I open up in groups (sometimes too much) and I know I've had a decent impact on some of the other residents because they've told me straight out.  Even if I could I wouldn't but I'm not allowed to share group experiences as that's a safe place to talk.

Staff are awesome, plenty of support, you can call on them any time and they will try and chat and they schedule time for you on your weekly planner like occupational therapy to learn self-soothing things when distressed.  There's group therapy every day except Wednesday's and they help you with talking to kids it's called 'let's talk' age appropriate questions to explore and there is also loads of ted talk videos (one springs into mind specifically on PTSD) it was like she was talking about me.  There is also loads of things to link into and affordable support & most importantly re-connecting with your community.  I've met some wonderful people and I'm learning to overcome my black & white, all or nothing type thinking and also sit with uncomfortable thoughts & feelings.

So far I can only speak very highly of PARC, my stay has brought about many changes in me (no matter how small) and my coping strategies, each staff member brings a slightly different perspective to an issue or topic and I now have some extra choices & strategies that won't tear my family to pieces.

There is grey, I tried to run the other morning & couldn't breathe but when I stopped & looked up to the sky to ask "why the hell me" I saw balloons.  Can't wait to ride in one one day.

Let's see what tomorrow brings
Donna Xo

Recovery

Hi All,

Hope you all well (or at least doing way better than me). I haven't written much at all lately, been pretty hectic being in that damn acute psych ward.  You honestly think they are going to kill you (and chances are most of them want to & even visualise it).  Not saying I'm not mental or don't have problems but that was not the place for me.  I'd like to start by thanking a wonderful lady all the way from Perth called Emma, who I've never met but heard my story & wrote the most beautiful card that stays by my bed.  She heard about my story through Mara (a wonderful friend with her own battles) and felt compelled to write to me.  So thank you Emma, best hospital return present I've ever received.  I keep that card by my bed with my little teddy that Tina (a girlfriend) brought in.  I didn't have many visitors, hardest part was not being allowed to see my kids for 4 days.  Almost killed me, but thanks Tina, for taking the time to sit by my bedside I know that mustn't have been a pretty sight, but you came back.  Gem!

It's 12.58am here in Australia I think I'm finding it hard to sleep because I know what's ahead.  I have 28 days of hard work.  14 is the commitment at the moment.  I've made calendars, reminders, notes, post it notes, notes in my phone.  I'll still forget.  Just what happens when PTSD rears its ugly head. The biggest thing I'd like to take away from my PARC stay is learning new strategies to keep me well that don't involve exercise and reading up on things such as ARC which I'm booked in for early Jan/Feb, reading trauma focused books, practise my safe place, add as much as I can to my safety plan, meditation through self awareness and as many other things as I can fit into my day.

I'm signing off as I'm hoping to rise in 4 hours for breakfast and a 1km swim.  Sleep well.

Donna